|Tamers Abridged - Episode 2|
Main episode article
The following is unedited from the original document except for formatting. Lines may have been rewritten during recording and/or editing.
Davis: Previously on Digimon!
Davis: And now the thrilling conclusion!
Takato: *Hghg laughing*
Guilmon: ERRR HRR HRR HRR HRR HRR
Takato: Ah, the miracle of childbirth.
Takato's Dad: TAKATO, LOOK! BREAD'S IN THE NEWS!
Mom: Honey, that's a crossword puzzle.
Dad: FIVE DOWN! AND WHY ARE YOU LATE?
Takato: Sorry Dad, I've taken up boxing! I've brought a friend for a sleepover, so don't bother us.
Dad: YOU DON'T TALK BACK. THE NEWSPAPER DON'T TALK BACK. WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO RELY ON?!
Mom: Honey, remember, you're not actually angry.
Dad: I just wanna be in the news.
*Guilmon in Takato's room*
Guilmon: PARTY TIME! *Knocks over desk* Your parties suck.
Takato: *Scolding* That's what you get for not inviting me. Besides it was BYOB. I brought my box, where's yours?
*Guilmon silently points to himself*
Takato: Right! I'm Takato!
Takato: No, you're Guilm- yes. And tomorrow you're Sticky Ricky! Oh, hang on a second- *Pulls out goggles* These are in case someone wants to poke my eye. Imprrresssed-uh?
*Cut to HYPNOS*
Talley: *Serious* We're getting another trying to bioemerge.
Yamaki: LAUNCH MISSILES!
Riley: *Impatient* For the last time, boss-
Yamaki: LAUNCH MISSILES- I DON'T CARE!
Talley: *Deadpan* Sir, we're an intelligence agency.
Yamaki: LAUNCH INTELLIGENCE MISSILES THEN!
*Cut to park as light and fog appears*
Girl: *Romantic* The stars are beautiful tonight, aren’t they?
Boy: Yeah, but when will terrorism stop...?
*They turn and see the fog*
Girl: What's that?
Boy: It's God, wanting you to not masturbate.
*Rika puts on sunglasses, runs into fog, takes glasses back off*
Rika: Well that didn't help. Renamon!
Renamon: I’m on it.
Girl: Whoa! Was that a fox?
Boy: My mom won’t find you attractive.
Rika: *Looking at Digivice* Hmm. “Goblimon: Has tough hide and a fireball attack. Not as happy as he appears in photo.”
*Renamon kicks him in the chest*
Goblimon: Uh, excuse me, ma’am, is there a reason you poked me in the chest- *punches him in the face* OOH... Why are you doing this to m- OOF!
Rika: This is gonna be easier than I thought.
*Guy is making out with his girlfriend in the park. Starts blowing into her head and it inflates. Calumon appears and just watches with a concerned face. Loud bang*
Boy: I’ve cleansed you.
*Calumon’s forehead flashes. Goblimon suddenly digivolves to Fugamon*
Fugamon: What happened?! Why am I large and red?!
Rika: He got stronger! Get him!
Fugamon: No! I didn’t do that-! *Renamon multi-punches him* Stop! You have to understand!
Rika: Take away our sand?! Those are our beaches! Kill him!
Renamon: Diamond Storm!
Fugamon: No- AGH! *Renamon kills him and downloads his data*
Rika: It breaks my shirt to kill another Digimon. *Smiles*
*Cut to Takato’s dad setting the sign out front*
Dad: AFTER SEVEN YEARS, WE- ARE- O-PEEEEN~.
*Takato stealing bread*
Mom: *Calling from the other room* Honey, you better give that bread to your friends! Those are business cards! *Turning agitated* God knows we can’t afford PAPER!
Dad: LOOK! OUR BUDGET WAS FOR THE SIGN, WE GOT THE SIGN...!
Takato: Sure thing, Mom! I’m off to be violently bullied for these goggles!
Dad: AND TAKE YOUR STUPID BOX FRIEND WITH YOU! *Chucks Guilmon out the window*
Takato: Wow, Guilmon you’re heavy. Talk about a WIDE SCREEN.
Guilmon: I just bit my tongue-mon.
*Cut to construction site*
Takato: Listen Sticky Ricky, you need to stay here. This box is your new home. Forever. I don't want people to make fun of you for how weird you are. Especially with a name like that. *Leaves*
*Cut to school*
Ms Asaji: Takato, you’re up next!
Jeri: You didn't break a leg. You can’t enter the Paralympics.
Takato: AGH! Third-string cripple again!
*Shows Guilmon walking around in the box*
*Takato stares silently in shock*
Jeri: Brain damage. He qualifies.
Asaji, Jeri, Kazu, a couple random kids: YAAAY!
*Big band music plays. Cut to Guilmon walking past the principal*
Principal: Good morning, Stan. Hm? You seem much shorter today...
Guilmon: I’m in a box!
Principal: Quit complaining, Stan! None of us make that much money!
Guilmon: Do you have a box?
Principal: Oh! Janitor gets a box, now look at him! Take it off, you middle class piece of sh-*BEEP*! *Falls back with the box*
Guilmon: Ha-ha! Hahahaha! You fell down! I’m Principal now... *sinister music plays*
Principal: *Whimpering, hits the fire alarm* OWWW.
Asaji: Huh? Well kids, that’s the fire drill. Everybody get inside.
Jeri: You gotta go put it out, Takato.
Takato: Why me?
Jeri: Everyone else is going blind for next year.
Takato: Uhh... *Looks at them briefly*
Kazu: Please take off the handcuffs, Takato...
Principal: I’m so glad you’re okay, Stan!
Stan: *Guilmon voice* I was framed!
*Takato runs panting into the hall*
Kid 1: Principal said he saw a dinosaur! Imaginations are stupid!
Kid 2: My hand doesn’t work!
Kid 3: I wish Stan was my dad!
Kid 4: I wish Stan wasn’t my dad.
Kid 3: You take that back, you son of a b-*BEEP*!
Takato: *Thinking* No! Guilmon...
Jay: We’ll be right back with more Digimon: Digital Monsters!
*Sonic X commercial*
Sonic: Hey kids! This is Sonic! Just sayin’: I’m sorry.
Jay: Now back to Digimon!
Tails: Only on Jetix! Ehhhhhh.
Takato: *Really fast* Guilmon!
Henry: Uh... huh?
Takato: Guilmon... where could he be?
Henry: Hey. *Echoes* You said “Guilmon”. You’re a tamer aren’t you? You might be able to help me with something. What is “Terriermon” exactly? His name is “Terrier”, but he looks nothing like a dog; I mean look. *Terriermon walks out* What was the direction here? He’s got big ears and he’s got a horn. And you know when he digivolves he gets guns and he gets pants. I- I mean, I’m not saying it’s wrong; I just don’t follow the idea.
Terriermon: You must not be a very good tamer if you lost your Digimon already.
Henry: WHOA. You could have said “Hey” (hey, hey) first.
Takato: *Running and crying* He’s right. I’m never gonna see Guilmon again!
Henry: Hey (hey, hey)... look how happy we are (are, are, we, we, we).
Takato: We’re never gonna be the happiest of friends like those two!
Henry: We’re still happy (happy, happy).
Takato: How come bread lasts longer than my friendships?!
Henry: Lasagna (lasagna, lasagna).
*Takato runs all the way to the roof, sees Guilmon*
Takato: Oh... Guilmon!
Guilmon: Hn? Takatomon!
Takato: Okay, boy, okay- Ah! AGH! AAAAGH!
*Guilmon giggles, looks at him for a second, pokes him in the eye, squish*
Guilmon: See Takatomon? Dreams do come true!
Davis: WHOA, DUDES. HAS ANYONE NOTICED THAT TAKATO'S EYES ARE RED? THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR CRYING! WHAT A JERK! TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR MORE DIGIMON: DIGITAL MONSTERS!
Vee: It's time for Davis: An After School Special.
Davis: Hey kids! Be sure to get your parents' permission before you go to jail!
Vee: Davis: An After School Special. Stay tuned for the Sochi 2014 Paralympics Abridged! For every event, there is the dismount.
Tails: Only on JETIX! Eh, you're watching... Ehh... Please don't go away... Could really use the views... Our ratings are nonexistent by this point.