Tamers Abridged - Episode 1

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Tamers Abridged - Episode 1




Episode 2

The following is unedited from the original document except for formatting. Lines may have been rewritten during recording and/or editing.


Vee: You are watching WTMF-49, broadcasting live from *loud orchestra sting*. Coming up later this morning, a brand new episode of Epileptic Parrot Symphony, but next, as a part of our Jetix block, it's time for Digimon Tamers.

*Episode proper opens with close-ups of Digimon cards, Takato smacks cards down*

Takato: Bullse-*whack*-OW. Feast your eyes on this move!

Kazu: Oh man!

Takato: Cynicmon attacks Cheerfulmon with parent-killing car crash! Cynicmon wins!

Kazu: *Runs away crying* WAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Takato: Jeez! The car was fine! *Starts putting cards away, and the box falls* Fine, I don’t need those guys. I got my Digimon cards- *Box falls* No! They’re leaving me too! *Sees blue card* Hghhh? *Closer view of blue card* HHHHHHGHHHHH *Closeup of card, Takato jumps out of stegosaurass* HhhhhAGH! Huh. I don’t remember having this card- *Immediate electrocution* AGH! Okay, I do! God! *Calculator starts malfunctioning* Agh…what’s happening now?

Robot voice: Now downgrading to Internet Explorer. Please enjoy your fresh library of viruses. This device has no internet, but I bet you’re still pissed.

Takato: *During* No, no, no, no! I don’t have time for this. I’ll deal with you after class!

Robot voice: Achievement unlocked. You’re a twat. Would you like to tell your friends?

*Pan across city to the school*

Miss Asaji: And this, class, is the entire cultural breadth of why Digimon does not matter. Isn’t that right, Takato?

Takato: The hall is safe, Miss Asaji.

Asaji: Thank you, Takato…

Takato: I’d like it if the class laughed at me, Miss Asaji.

Asaji: Go ahead, class.

*Children giggling*

Takato: Thanks, everyone…But are you really laughing with me?!

Random student: NO WE’RE NOT!

Asaji: Alright, everyone, take notes. It’s time to learn the things you do that drive me to drink.

Takato: *Groans, slides down wall* Oh well. Better write my apology. Dear Miss Asaji: DRAGON. Love, Takato.

*Cut to Takato at desk*

Takato: Hgghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… Guilmon. …Eh, that’s a stupid name. Oh-wait, wait! …Nah, it’s still stupid- Oh-oh, no, no, wait! …Yeah!

Puppet: *Loud Stylophone note*

Takato: Agh! Sorry, ma’am! Just...! Power breathing! Huh…?

Jeri: *Giggling* You’re pretty funny for a poor kid who makes bread for a living.

Takato: That’s both insulting and oddly specific.

Jeri: There you are! Bad flute!

Puppet: *Stylophone roll*

Takato: Uhhh...

*Jeri runs out, sticks puppet in door*

Puppet: …Your milk’s gone bad.

Takato: Well, I’m officially into girls.

*Scene transitions to the Tokyo Towers*

Riley: I’m picking up an abnormality. I think we have another one coming in.

Yamaki: Another Digimon?

Riley: *Dramatic* No, sir. It’s a storm…!

Yamaki: …MY GOD.

Talley: Uh, why is that a big deal?

Yamaki: We’re Japanese, Talley. We’re not prepared to handle storms.

*Show electricity in sewer. Cut to Takato in the park*

Takato: Alright, I told you I’d be back! If this is one of those viruses, you win!

*Electricity surrounds the clock, clock face is replaced with Anime Yoshi’s face*

Takato: *Sees box lit up* Whoa… Looks dangerous. Better check. *ZAP* Yep, pretty dangerous.

*Shakes box open, out drops card reader which turns into Digivice*

Takato: *Very disappointed* Oh card reader. You’ve changed… Wait a second…*Picks up Digivice* It’s a…No, it can’t be. This is nuts. I’m sitting inside of a dinosaur, with a Digivice.

Vee: It’s his nuts?

Jay: *Disappointed* Ohhh...

*Back to normal*

Takato: Huh…It’s empty like me…

*Cut to Takato dropping his backpack in his room and emptying out the card box*

Takato: So my card reader turned into a Digivice… but there’s nothing in it…but if this is real… *holds up the notebook, gets excited* maybe I just need to fill in the data!

*Loop of stupid grin as he tries to stuff it into the card slot, after a while there is an audible crack and zap*

Takato: It works!

Mom: Takato! Dinner’s ready!

*Sets down Digivice, a Digi Egg appears*

Takato: *Calling* Is it bread again?


*Zooms into DigiEgg*

*Pillar of light appears in street, Takato appears above it*

Takato: Wha-?! What’s going on?

*Takato sees Rika, Rika takes off her glasses*

Lynxmon: Sorry if I seem testy; I’ve had a bad day. Who wants a hug?

Rika: *Serious* Renamon, attack-

*Renamon gets tackled offscreen*

Rika: ...*Sigh* I'm going home...

Takato: …AWESOME.

Lynxmon: Sorry if my breath is bad; I lost my floss today. You don’t know how embarrassing that- makes this?!

*Renamon attacks him from behind*

Renamon: Diamond storm!

*Lynxmon roars as he dies, Takato wakes up*

Takato: *Awkwardly* Wow…Now that was a…wet dream. Heh. Heh-heh... oh god I’m so cold…

*Takato opens the window*


Takato: Oh! Yeah Dad?

Dad: Oh hey son, not you. I just say that when I hurt myself. Your real name is “Owmyhand”!

Takato: …I wish you’d never told me that, Dad. Say, when you were my age, did you guys have Digimon?

Dad: Son, when I was your age, I focused on bread. Let me tell ya, Takato. Don’t focus on bread. For the love of god, don’t focus on bread. Look at me.

*Cut to the Stegosaurass*

Takato: I’m not joking, guys! There was a Digimon battle, and a tamer, and it was foggy and raining. I swear I saw real-life Digimon fight!

*Kazu covers Takato’s mouth*

Kazu: Sorry Takato, but seeing your open mouth makes me murderous.

Kenta: Takato, be serious. Now come on, let’s play Digimon in our *outside shot* Stegosaurass clubhouse.

Takato: *Moves Kazu’s hand* I am serious! Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it couldn’t take it anymore!

*Kazu and Kenta laugh heartily, run away*

Takato: *Heart-broken* IT’S NOT FUNNY, YOU JERKS!

*Sits up, looks at his Digivice*

Takato: Fine, whatever. At least you won’t leave me, right Guilmo-?

*Sees hatched DigiEgg*

Takato: SON OF A F—KER!

*Cut to Hypnos*

Riley: High-level wild type, getting ready to bioemerge!

Talley: Want me to stop him?

Yamaki: Nnnoooo…Eh, maybe- n-n-nooo…*Cut to him opening and closing lighter* Just one? Yeah, no…

Riley: Yamaki!

Yamaki: Sorryyy! Forgot if I smoke again!

Riley: *Deadpan, calling out* You dooon’t.

Yamaki: …Okaaaay! …Just follow it; I don’t care.

*Cut to Guilmon bioemerging*

Suzie: *Looking out window* Henwy! Come and look at what I can do with my wist!

Henry: Hey. What are you looking at? There’s nothing out there.

*Cut to Rika listening to “I Want to be Your Friend”, which becomes the background music*

Rika: Something’s coming…I can hear it clearly.

*Cut to Takato running down an alley*

Takato: *Panting and sobbing* Huh? *Sees the crater* Whoa…My GPsadn-S is good! This crater is all mine.

*Cut to Hypnos*

Riley: He’s breaking through! We can’t stop this one!

*The back of Yamaki’s chair is on fire*

Yamaki: I am really hungry all of a sudden.

*Mine explodes, Guilmon appears*

Guilmon: *Makes cute grumbly noises*

Takato: Wow…! Guilmon…! Bullsh--! He’s not made out of paper! You better go back in there and fix yourself! WHERE ARE YOUR CHAINSAW WINGS?! I thought we had a deal! You used to be cool!

Guilmon: GRAAAH! *Fireball*

Takato: And now- you’re-hot…?!

*Guilmon sees him, continues making noises as he walks up, Takato smiles in silence*

Guilmon: Heeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh *Continues to fade out*

Takato: …Hhgghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh *Continues to fade out*




Vee: And now Davis: An After School Special.

Davis: Hey DUUUDES! You wanna know what's rad-tacular?! BEANS AND CORNBREAD!

Vee: Davis: An After School Special. Stay tuned for Epileptic Parrot Symphony.

*Show the VJs’ monitor*

Jay: How this made it on cable television, I will never understand.

Vee: I just got fired.

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