|Tamers Abridged - Episode 1|
Main episode article
Vee: You are watching WTMF-49, broadcasting live from *loud orchestra sting*. Coming up later this morning, a brand new episode of Epileptic Parrot Symphony, but next, as a part of our Jetix block, it's time for Digimon Tamers.
*Episode proper opens with close-ups of Digimon cards, Takato smacks cards down*
Takato: Bullse-*whack*-OW. Feast your eyes on this move!
Kazu: Oh man!
Takato: Cynicmon attacks Cheerfulmon with parent-killing car crash! Cynicmon wins!
Kazu: *Runs away crying* WAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Takato: Jeez! The car was fine! *Starts putting cards away, and the box falls* Fine, I don’t need those guys. I got my Digimon cards- *Box falls* No! They’re leaving me too! *Sees blue card* Hghhh? *Closer view of blue card* HHHHHHGHHHHH *Closeup of card, Takato jumps out of stegosaurass* HhhhhAGH! Huh. I don’t remember having this card- *Immediate electrocution* AGH! Okay, I do! God! *Calculator starts malfunctioning* Agh…what’s happening now?
Robot voice: Now downgrading to Internet Explorer. Please enjoy your fresh library of viruses. This device has no internet, but I bet you’re still pissed.
Takato: *During* No, no, no, no! I don’t have time for this. I’ll deal with you after class!
Robot voice: Achievement unlocked. You’re a twat. Would you like to tell your friends?
*Pan across city to the school*
Miss Asaji: And this, class, is the entire cultural breadth of why Digimon does not matter. Isn’t that right, Takato?
Takato: The hall is safe, Miss Asaji.
Asaji: Thank you, Takato…
Takato: I’d like it if the class laughed at me, Miss Asaji.
Asaji: Go ahead, class.
Takato: Thanks, everyone…But are you really laughing with me?!
Random student: NO WE’RE NOT!
Asaji: Alright, everyone, take notes. It’s time to learn the things you do that drive me to drink.
Takato: *Groans, slides down wall* Oh well. Better write my apology. Dear Miss Asaji: DRAGON. Love, Takato.
*Cut to Takato at desk*
Takato: Hgghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… Guilmon. …Eh, that’s a stupid name. Oh-wait, wait! …Nah, it’s still stupid- Oh-oh, no, no, wait! …Yeah!
Puppet: *Loud Stylophone note*
Takato: Agh! Sorry, ma’am! Just...! Power breathing! Huh…?
Jeri: *Giggling* You’re pretty funny for a poor kid who makes bread for a living.
Takato: That’s both insulting and oddly specific.
Jeri: There you are! Bad flute!
Puppet: *Stylophone roll*
*Jeri runs out, sticks puppet in door*
Puppet: …Your milk’s gone bad.
Takato: Well, I’m officially into girls.
*Scene transitions to the Tokyo Towers*
Riley: I’m picking up an abnormality. I think we have another one coming in.
Yamaki: Another Digimon?
Riley: *Dramatic* No, sir. It’s a storm…!
Yamaki: …MY GOD.
Talley: Uh, why is that a big deal?
Yamaki: We’re Japanese, Talley. We’re not prepared to handle storms.
*Show electricity in sewer. Cut to Takato in the park*
Takato: Alright, I told you I’d be back! If this is one of those viruses, you win!
*Electricity surrounds the clock, clock face is replaced with Anime Yoshi’s face*
Takato: *Sees box lit up* Whoa… Looks dangerous. Better check. *ZAP* Yep, pretty dangerous.
*Shakes box open, out drops card reader which turns into Digivice*
Takato: *Very disappointed* Oh card reader. You’ve changed… Wait a second…*Picks up Digivice* It’s a…No, it can’t be. This is nuts. I’m sitting inside of a dinosaur, with a Digivice.
Vee: It’s his nuts?
Jay: *Disappointed* Ohhh...
*Back to normal*
Takato: Huh…It’s empty like me…
*Cut to Takato dropping his backpack in his room and emptying out the card box*
Takato: So my card reader turned into a Digivice… but there’s nothing in it…but if this is real… *holds up the notebook, gets excited* maybe I just need to fill in the data!
*Loop of stupid grin as he tries to stuff it into the card slot, after a while there is an audible crack and zap*
Takato: It works!
Mom: Takato! Dinner’s ready!
*Sets down Digivice, a Digi Egg appears*
Takato: *Calling* Is it bread again?
Dad: THIS TIME WE’RE PUTTING THINGS IN IT!
*Zooms into DigiEgg*
*Pillar of light appears in street, Takato appears above it*
Takato: Wha-?! What’s going on?
*Takato sees Rika, Rika takes off her glasses*
Lynxmon: Sorry if I seem testy; I’ve had a bad day. Who wants a hug?
Rika: *Serious* Renamon, attack-
*Renamon gets tackled offscreen*
Rika: ...*Sigh* I'm going home...
Lynxmon: Sorry if my breath is bad; I lost my floss today. You don’t know how embarrassing that- makes this?!
*Renamon attacks him from behind*
Renamon: Diamond storm!
*Lynxmon roars as he dies, Takato wakes up*
Takato: *Awkwardly* Wow…Now that was a…wet dream. Heh. Heh-heh... oh god I’m so cold…
*Takato opens the window*
Takato: Oh! Yeah Dad?
Dad: Oh hey son, not you. I just say that when I hurt myself. Your real name is “Owmyhand”!
Takato: …I wish you’d never told me that, Dad. Say, when you were my age, did you guys have Digimon?
Dad: Son, when I was your age, I focused on bread. Let me tell ya, Takato. Don’t focus on bread. For the love of god, don’t focus on bread. Look at me.
*Cut to the Stegosaurass*
Takato: I’m not joking, guys! There was a Digimon battle, and a tamer, and it was foggy and raining. I swear I saw real-life Digimon fight!
*Kazu covers Takato’s mouth*
Kazu: Sorry Takato, but seeing your open mouth makes me murderous.
Kenta: Takato, be serious. Now come on, let’s play Digimon in our *outside shot* Stegosaurass clubhouse.
Takato: *Moves Kazu’s hand* I am serious! Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it couldn’t take it anymore!
*Kazu and Kenta laugh heartily, run away*
Takato: *Heart-broken* IT’S NOT FUNNY, YOU JERKS!
*Sits up, looks at his Digivice*
Takato: Fine, whatever. At least you won’t leave me, right Guilmo-?
*Sees hatched DigiEgg*
Takato: SON OF A F—KER!
*Cut to Hypnos*
Riley: High-level wild type, getting ready to bioemerge!
Talley: Want me to stop him?
Yamaki: Nnnoooo…Eh, maybe- n-n-nooo…*Cut to him opening and closing lighter* Just one? Yeah, no…
Yamaki: Sorryyy! Forgot if I smoke again!
Riley: *Deadpan, calling out* You dooon’t.
Yamaki: …Okaaaay! …Just follow it; I don’t care.
*Cut to Guilmon bioemerging*
Suzie: *Looking out window* Henwy! Come and look at what I can do with my wist!
Henry: Hey. What are you looking at? There’s nothing out there.
*Cut to Rika listening to “I Want to be Your Friend”, which becomes the background music*
Rika: Something’s coming…I can hear it clearly.
*Cut to Takato running down an alley*
Takato: *Panting and sobbing* Huh? *Sees the crater* Whoa…My GPsadn-S is good! This crater is all mine.
*Cut to Hypnos*
Riley: He’s breaking through! We can’t stop this one!
*The back of Yamaki’s chair is on fire*
Yamaki: I am really hungry all of a sudden.
*Mine explodes, Guilmon appears*
Guilmon: *Makes cute grumbly noises*
Takato: Wow…! Guilmon…! Bullsh--! He’s not made out of paper! You better go back in there and fix yourself! WHERE ARE YOUR CHAINSAW WINGS?! I thought we had a deal! You used to be cool!
Guilmon: GRAAAH! *Fireball*
Takato: And now- you’re-hot…?!
*Guilmon sees him, continues making noises as he walks up, Takato smiles in silence*
Guilmon: Heeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh *Continues to fade out*
Takato: …Hhgghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh *Continues to fade out*
Davis: *Voice over* WHOA, DUUUUDES! WILL TAKATO MAKE IT OUTTA HERE ALIVE?! OR WILL HE BE BURNT TO A HIPPITY-HOP CRISPITY! FIND OUT ON THE NEXT DIGIMON: DIGITAL MONSTERS!
Vee: And now Davis: An After School Special.
Davis: Hey DUUUDES! You wanna know what's rad-tacular?! BEANS AND CORNBREAD!
Vee: Davis: An After School Special. Stay tuned for Epileptic Parrot Symphony.
*Show the VJs’ monitor*
Jay: How this made it on cable television, I will never understand.
Vee: I just got fired.