|Sgt Frog Abridged - Episode 9|
Main episode article
The following is unedited from the original document except for formatting. Lines may have been rewritten during recording and/or editing.
Birdy: Today, on Universal Geographic, we are asking: what is your opinion on paper mache?
*Momoka’s face is completely censored out*
Tamama: If it’s anything like bendy straws, then WOO! What a good time!
Dororo: P-…People want to know my opinion? Then, god, where do I star-
Tamama: “Mache” is French coming from the root word… wet paper…
Kululu: *Slyly* I’m ordering lotion online.
Birdy: That’s not the question I asked.
Kululu: *Very quickly* HEGH-!
Giroro: WHY IS THERE A CAT HERE?!
Tamama: …Wet paperrrrrrr… No, paperrrlalalalalala.
Giroro: *Heads of many more cats stick out from side* I’M ALLERGIC!
Dororo: *In the distance* I’M DORORO!
Giroro: AAAAGH MY EYES!!!
Keroro: *In the distance* I hope you’re hungry, Giroro! I’m making tuna!
*Scene transition, Keroro smoking*
Giroro: THAT’S what I think of paper mache!
Mois: *Cheerful, deadpan* Though I have no idea where that invasion plan was going, I give you five points for style.
Tamama: How was being interviewed by a terrifying bird monster supposed to help us take over the world?
Keroro: Come on guys, you can’t make an omelet without doing whatever the fuck it takes to make an omelet. I mean look at Giroro. Never mind, look at me! A sexy motherf*arrowed*fUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!
Mois: *Shocked gasp*…Heads up, Uncle!
Dororo: Oh, I never get any fanmail…
*Kululu pulls out arrow, Dororo holds letter*
Dororo: Can anyone actually read?
Keroro: *Playful* Oh, you guys, you’re doing it wrong. Lemme see it.
*Scene gets dramatic, Keroro drops paper in shock*
Keroro: …I can’t read it either…
Kululu: Should I tell him it says he got fired?
Giroro: Let him have his epiphany. It’s not gonna last.
Keroro: Wait! I have a new plan! Socks with sandpaper at the tip! It trims your toenails as you walk! *Giroro looks away, Keroro gets more panicky* I know there’s the whole blood thing, but we can work around it!
Dororo: Keroro, you’re looking a lot like me right now. I want you to think about that very carefully.
Keroro: I have two awesome friends?! Come on, Dorito!!
Kululu: Fuck this, Keroro. We’re going to bed.
*Walk into the fridge, Tamama looks back*
Tamama: Saaaaay…I can do something with this…
Kululu: *In the fridge* I suppose you guys are wondering why we’re in a regular fridge.
Tamama: I just wanted to say, that what you were doing today, with all the begging and the awkwardness, it was really hot. So I got a little surprise for you. See you tonight… hun.
*Cuts to Keroro lying in bed*
Tamama: I’M IN 3D!!!
Keroro: Oh god!
*Door blows open*
Keroro: Fuck! The world is in 3D!
Tamama: Hey, hun… Guess who’s the Sergeant now?
*Kululu and Giroro start taking Keroro’s stuff*
Tamama: I’m taking all your stuff. SEXY, isn’t it?! Oh yeah, I’m loving this dominant thing. Just wish I knew how sex worked.
Keroro: You’re not the Tamama I know!
*Tamama brakes off piece*
Tamama: I just made a shank. Ready to get intimate?!
Keroro: …I’m a minor…?
*Cuts to Tamama at desk*
Tamama: I’m even cute with air boobs.
Tamama: First takeover plan as sergeant! Kangaroo catapult…
Giroro: …Go on…
Tamama: Yeah… And for tonight’s plan, Hun’s gonna wait for me in the dungeon so we can try out my new position… the Hamburger Helper.
Keroro: *Falling* You forgot to preheat!
Tamama: *Looking down* Not as fun to screw him when he can’t feel anything. *Crash, Tamama goes back to crazy* But oh well!
Giroro: Sergeant, you are bastardizing this operation!
Tamama: *Mad face* …I’m helping!
*Cuts to Tamama at desk*
Tamama: Okay, so operation Cataracts Caterpillar was a failure, cause I kept forgetting what the mission was.
Giroro: It’s been a whole day! You’re just bringing it up now?!
Tamama: You know, Giroro, Hun may be my sub sandwich, but every picnic needs it’s backup potato salad.
Giroro: The fuck are you talking about?
Tamama: Keep up the insubordination, and you’ll be my deviled egg…
Dororo: If my mouth wasn’t covered, I’d be so hungry right now.
*Tamama overshadows the globe*
Tamama: Soon the whole world will be my fagmuffin.
*Keroro in dungeon*
Keroro: *Sobbing in pool of tears* How can the Hamburger Helper take three fucking days?! …I can’t sit down. I need to escape.
*Pounds fist on wall*
Keroro: Huh. I just broke my hand.
*Tamama at desk*
Tamama: Alright! Operation Cockblocking Cantaloupe is officially underway! Fuyuki’s gonna get home and open the fridge, and imagine his surprise when…
*Cuts to Fuyuki opening fridge*
Fuyuki: Wow, there’s a cake in here.
Tamama: Huge success!
Dororo: Guys, I know I’m the lonely kissass, but ever since Tamama’s become the sergeant, we’ve been going nowhere fast.
Tamama: …You can’t kiss with that mask…
Dororo: *Sad* You didn’t have to remind me. I’m outta here.
Tamama: Oh, no you don’t. *Presses button, Dororo falls down hole* Like a bean burrito, you’re going south… Why am I so fucking hungry?!
Natsumi: *Runs in angry* Alright, which one of you peed on my carpet?!
Tamama: Another success!
Natsumi: Why can’t you go a single day without driving me insane?!
Fuyuki: …Thanks for the cake.
Tamama: *Gasp* Eating it wasn’t part of the plan…
Fuyuki: There was a note on it that said “Cricket Bat Carnival”, but it didn’t say whose cake it was.
Tamama: Listen here! You ever forget what you were angry about midsentence?! It’s happened to me twice now! … DUNGEON!!!
*Presses button twice, Fuyuki and Natsumi fall down*
Giroro: Natsumi! Alright, Tamama, you’re really starting to make me miss Keroro, and I really holding that against you!
Tamama: I AM ON TOP!
Kululu: Do you see now, Tamama? *Normal register* You know what, I hate to break character, but you’ve been doing that all goddamn day. This whole obsession with being dominant has only pushed your friends away. Even Keroro has moved on from you.
*Pulls up window of Keroro and Mois*
Keroro: Oh my dear Mois, you have un-gayed my heart.
Mois: I’m so happy to be confused by that, Uncle.
Keroro: I’ll call you hun, now.
Kululu: *Intense and dramatic* This, Tamama, is the world you have wrought from your vanity and hubris. Now lament over your self-inflicted isolation.
Kululu: …HEGH! *Disappears*
Tamama: *Standing alone in room* WHAT HAVE I DONE?! Oh well. Talking donut, it’s just you and me. Aughm. WHAT HAVE I DONE?!
Keroro: Un-gayed, un-gayed, un-gayed, un-gayed…
*Image starts fading out, Tamama wakes up from daydream in front of fridge*
Keroro: *Sobbing* Hun, you’ve been staring at me sobbing for the last five minutes.
Tamama: Sarge, it’s taken me two days of eating friends to finally be happy with being the subway. So, however you wanna do the Hamburger Helper, that’s all you.
Keroro: …What’s the Hamburger Helper…?
Tamama: What’d I say about thinking?
Kululu: Hey, there’s cake in here!
*1 – The fridge*
Birdy: …I don’t remember inviting you to my house party.
Tamama: I don’t remember this hole being here...
*2 – Black screen*
Tamama: Operation Crucified Calender was a bust. Competitive Copenhagen is still in the beta. Never got anywhere with Claustrophobic Clown. Cotton Candy Cockfighter’s not even gonna see the light of day.
Dororo: Carpal Tunnel Carp is out of resources.
Giroro: And don’t get me started on Colostomy Coffee Pot.
Kululu: Are we still gonna do Candlelit Clitoris?