|Sgt Frog Abridged - Episode 23|
Main episode article
*Fade in to the door of the base*
HQ: I gave you guys a second chance. Even I didn't get a second chance. Yet here we are, four months of you squandering my generosity later with... *disdainful* spending time with loved ones and... making new frieeeee... *snoring*
Keroro: *Irritated but trying not to piss off HQ* You know, Captain, the invasion would be going fine if Cirque du So Lame would stop fucking with us.
HQ: *Like he's caught Keroro* Oh sure, so if it weren't for the Shurara idiots, you wouldn't have abdicated your command, huh?
Keroro: *Shocked* What?! That wasn't-!
HQ: Where is your new Sergeant anyway? Oh yeah, he's getting ready to go on vacation. And something tells me the rest of you aren't nearly ccccc... -APABLE enough to lead. So under Keron military law, I accept Keroro's removal, and accept my new position, as this platoon's commanding officer.
Keroro: *Furious* You can't just waltz in here and... give me what I'd actually kinda like- *Getting quieter* why am I so angry about this...?
Giroro: *Whispering* Because Dororo isn't a psychotic who's been on a four month caffeine high! This guy's gonna fuck the planet, and I'm gonna blame you as always!
Keroro: Thaaat's a feeling I understand.
HQ: I'm glad we're all on the same page. 9. You know, platoon, when I was assigned this planet, and came to take your title, at first I was suicidal. Now I am homicidal. All because you didn't come to my ballet recital. *Slowly starts snoring again*
Kululu: Sorry I fell asleep, what're we doing?
HQ: *In his sleep* Remix...
*Scene transitions to Keroro's room*
Keroro: So what'a you guys wanna do now? I'm thinkin' Kentucky!
Tamama: Sarge, I know our relationship's better, but professionally we're over.
Mois: *Awkward* That means I get Tamama's slot, right?
Keroro: Ohh...! Kululu, you got my back, right?
Kululu: *Creepy* Aww yeah, pineapple boats.
Keroro: See? Pineapple boats. You're overreacting.
Giroro: Look, we don't know what he's got planned, and he probably doesn't either. But if we're gonna keep him from taking your job, you have to at least pretend to give a shit.
Keroro: I'm not a good liar.
Giroro: You're the lesser of two evils here- the one I know how to deal with- fix your damn mistake.
Keroro: But my mistakes are like my children. They grow really big and I lose track of them.
Tamama: He's probably not yours.
Keroro: *Somewhat pissy* Look, if HQ thinks I gave my leadership to Dororo, I'll just make Dororo get rid of HQ. That work for ya?
*Cut to Dororo's house*
Dororo: Just making sure I have everything. I have some food, my kunai, my pineapple boat...
Keroro: *Slightly fake politeness* Oh that's good. You know, we got contacted by HQ today... you don't think you can hold the trip off for another hour or two?
*Dororo's eyes start burning with rage*
Keroro: Oh god OH GOD NEVER MIND! IT'S COOL! WE CAN HANDLE IT!
Dororo: Look, whatever's happening, it's probably part karma and part something you need to fix yourself. You'll be fine.
Keroro: Ha-ha, yeah! *Diverts eyes in worry, in head* Ohhh, everyone will die, ever...
*Cut to in the base with HQ*
HQ: Hey, when I woke up everyone was gone. I think I deserve an apology?
Keroro: Alright, alright, I'm sorry you're here.
Giroro: *Whispering* Where is he?!
Keroro: *Whispering* I couldn't get him to come, we gotta go with plan B. *Out loud to HQ, confident and slightly threatening* So, Captain, I think it's fair to point out, my giving up leadership is a complete misunderstanding. I've done no such thing, and I don't appreciate this little power struggle you're pulling.
HQ: Yeah you didn't struggle very hard? The paperwork's filled out, Keroro; I can legally eat you. *Shows screen of Pangea* See, this is you. *Fades out to empty ocean* This is you gone. *Island with flag fades in* This is me. You want fries with that?
Tamama: I think he's salty.
HQ: Here's how it's gonna go down. We're gonna cannibalize those mechs to make a nice big drill. Then we'll drill to the center of the Earth, blow a few volcanoes, flood the world. Then we'll say “Na-nana-na-na-nana” and run off the planet. Here are the blueprints, you have an hour. That might not seem like enough time, so I'll give you thirty minutes. *Finger snap, disappears*
Keroro: *Shouting to the heavens* Dororo! Look what you've dooooone!
*Cut to Dororo leaving the house in the morning, Koyuki walks up*
Dororo: *Fast and like he's crying* VACATION'SALLIEVERWANTED- KERORO'SNOTGONNARUINIT- Morning Koyuki.
Koyuki: *Cheerful* Hey, where you off to?
Dororo: I'm going on vacation for a few days. If I stumble on another bear trap, you'll know.
Koyuki: Aww, you remembered!
Dororo: Eeeehhhh... Oh by the way, I hope you don't mind, I'm using your bra as a backpack.
Koyuki: I don't wear a bra.
Dororo: ...That's because I use it as a backpack. See ya! *Jumps away*
Koyuki: See ya!
*Cut to Keroro's room again, Keroro leans back on his hands*
Giroro: Man, Keroro, that was such a good plan. Talking to Dororo, getting him to clear up the whole thing. Just imagine if you'd DONE IT!
Tamama: Man. I kinda wanted to destroy the planet before? But now I kinda wanna save it. There's good things here, like... seagull guns and... racecars with nothing to lose and-
Giroro: It's work.
Tamama: And it's WORK!
Keroro: Look, I think we can all agree, as much as we hate me, which I don't necessarily agree with, we all really hate work.
Mois, Kululu, Tamama, Giroro: Agreed.
Keroro: W-...which one are you agreeing to- Anyway! With that in mind, I've got a plan. We'll go along with HQ's plan, but we don't have to like it.
Giroro: God. Damnit.
Keroro: *Louder, trying to convince* It's just until we can figure out how to stop him! Dororo will realize something's wrong sooner or later.
Kululu: *Creepy, low and high as shit* Ohhh yeeeeah...!
Keroro: See, Kululu's into it!
Kululu: Plantain canoooe...?
Keroro: *Sort of confused* Kululu, are you on something?
Kululu: Not my best shit; I sent that on vacation.
*Cut to Dororo sitting at the waterfall tripping balls, “Pollo” video playing in water, trees on fire*
Mukuro: *Falling off the waterfall* Ahhhhhh...
Dororo: *Psychotic* I'm the big kid now!
*Cuts to Natsumi and Koyuki in the living room, awkward silence with ticking clock*
Koyuki: ...So what are we waiting for?
Natsumi: Something to go wrong... *Crash* -Oh thank god.
Koyuki: Wouldn't you rather do something fun?
Natsumi: What? “Fffffuuuhhhhn”?
Fuyuki: It's “fjord”, it's how you cross rivers.
Koyuki: Yeah, you know, *Flirty* we could do a bit of Floor Color Stomp~.
Natsumi: ...You mean Twister?
Koyuki: *Politely patronizing* Hee-hee, it's pronounced “stomp”...
*Another crash, cut to Dororo bursting into the base, sobbing*
Keroro: *Surprised* AGH!! *Turns off his projector*
Dororo: I don't know where I've been for the last week, I woke up with Koyuki's bra, and I really want pollo!! *Freaking out* What in the seven hells is pollo?!
Keroro: *Nervous* Uhh... chicken? *Trips over pipe, falls backwards* Wuagh!!
Dororo: I'm not a coward! Just tell me! *Sees projection* Huh-? *Panting, trying to calm down* A...drill...to the center of the Earth...? *Looks down at Keroro menacingly* Is there something you haven't told me...?
Keroro: *Fast and panicked* NO OF COURSE NOT VACATION'S ALL YOU EVER WANTED-!
Giroro: Listen, Dororo.
Giroro: HQ's finally come up with a plan to destroy this stupid planet. Also Keroro's a dumbass and you wouldn't answer your phone.
Dororo: *Deeply saddened* I can't believe you'd do such a-!
Dororo: E-...xcuse me?
Dororo: Oh- OHHH... *Emphatic, playing it up* Well then, Corporal, you're not getting away with this that easily!
*The two ready their weapons, Dororo charges, the two clash*
Dororo: *Whispering, really quick* Stop making me hungry for Mexican!
Giroro: *Whispering* The fuck are you talking about?!
Dororo: Never mind, just shoot at me! I've got a plan! *They separate, Giroro fires at him, bullet ricochets and hits the drill*
Kululu: *Questioning* Heeegh?
Dororo: *Fake melodramatic* Fine then. I see a chocolate-covered friendship speech would be wasted on the likes of you. *Turns to Keroro* You ought to be ashamed, so-called brother of mine.
Keroro: Agh! *Sad* Ohh...
Dororo: *Accidentally jabs himself in the side* I won't- ow- burden you all with my presence any longer.
Kululu: You know I spent three hours on this thing in the thirty minutes we were given. Imprrrrresssssed?
*Cut to Natsumi and Koyuki in the forest*
Natsumi: Yeah the doctor said it's because of my weird sleeping position, but I don't get to sleep.
*Koyuki notices something, dashes off*
Natsumi: Hm? What's up, hun? Oh- hey!
*Dororo meditates under a waterfall*
Dororo: Owwwwwwwwww. Owwwwwwwww.
Natsumi: Is that why he's...? Well, you know.
Koyuki: *Worried* Hmm...
*Cut to Dororo leaving the house*
Dororo: YOU'RE FACE! TO FACE! TAKE THAT! I DON'T LIKE YOUR FACE!
Koyuki: Dororo, wait up!
*Dororo's back cracks, Koyuki stares at him, pregnant pause, transition to the tower*
Koyuki: Why did you throw it into the street?
Dororo: I was angry, I apologize. It's just I was hoping everyone was joking when they said I should take over the platoon. But maybe they were serious. What if I get put in charge of a real invasion? This is my home now, not Keron. I don't want that.
*Cut to the platoon half-dead*
Keroro: *Exhausted beyond belief* It's finally.. fuckin' done... you happy, Captain CRAP?!
Tamama: Mois, can I introduce to my best friend Jesus?
Mois: *Exhausted beyond belief* The beetle...?
Tamama: FUCK THE BEETLE!
Mois: Yeah you mentioned that.
*HQ's monitor beeps*
HQ: Hey guys, I forgot I'm not a pilot and crashed into the ocean. So you'll have to live without me. But hey, you finished the drill, and it looks like a pile of shit and not a sack of shit! See you in ten minutes to melt the world!
Keroro: I'll drill your- fu- ah he's gone...
*Cut to Koyuki and Natsumi*
Natsumi: Not hungry, hun?
Koyuki: I don't eat gross dead things unless I killed it myself.
Natsumi: Aaand not hungry anymore.
Koyuki: Sorry, sweetie, Dororo's been down about his friends again. They're being butts and now he feels like a butt. And not a good butt. Like your butt. But you know.
Natsumi: Hmm. Now that you mention it, I don't hear them making my life hell anymore.
Koyuki: *Worried* Dororo said they're being forced into another invasion. Do you think they'll really go through with it?
Natsumi: Oh I'm not worried about it. There's nobody left in that group who knows what they're doing.
*Cut to drill being set up in the volcano*
HQ: Good, we're all set. ...Hope you like the feet.
*Pause, Keroro and Giroro look down, drill activates, starts electrocuting*
HQ: Aren't you glad you finally have a leader who knows what they're doing?
*Magma reacts violently, cut to Dororo who senses what's going on, and Natsumi and Koyuki react*
Dororo: *small gasp*
Natsumi: Whoa. Slightly rethinking what I said.
Keroro: *Panicking* Mama guevo, we gotta shut this thing down! The drill's malfunctioning!
Keroro: Fuck it! Kululu! *Kululu's doing something bad-looking* I didn't say your name! Mois!
Mois: *Determined* I'm on it, Uncle!
HQ: Actually I'm on it. Your network. It's mine now- oops I lost i- *everything shuts off*
*Natsumi, Koyuki and Fuyuki rush in*
Natsumi: *Running in* Mois! What's going on?!
Mois: Guys! Uncle's boss is gonna get everyone killed!
*Cut to the tower*
Koyuki: Dororo! Your friends are in danger!
Dororo: It's alright Koyuki. Just give it a minute and it'll work itself out.
Koyuki: It's not that! HQ's gonna drown everyone in lava!
Dororo: You... don't drown in lava- oh shit.
*Cut to the volcano*
HQ: Here, Keroro. Dance for me if you want to get out.
Keroro: *Panic-dancing* YATADUDLUDUDUTDUDUDA!
HQ: I'm joking you're not going anywhere. But hey, since you can't get out, you might as well get down.
Giroro: We did your damn dirty work, and it failed like it always does so- WAKE THE FUCK UP!!!
HQ: Guys, I don't know why you thought I'd let you get out of this alive. Come oooon. You ruined everything for me. I was an admiral before you. I had everything. Including control over my damn life. Look at this butter, it was once mine. You melted my butter Keroro. And now I'm going to melt you.
*Kululu, still HEGH HEGH HEGH-ing, chuckles and presses a button on his laptop*
HQ: I don't care if my plan destroys Earth or not. Once you and your reject platoon are out of the way, I'll invade it like you were supposed to all those years ago. *Skeevy* Planet Keron will hail you as heroes for your brave sacrifice, I promise.
*Giroro readies his gun at the drill, sudden lava tidal wave*
Keroro: *Somewhat giving up* Brace for impact...
*Dororo crashes in*
Keroro: See, Giroro?! The plan worked!
Dororo: Ninja Magic Bullshit! ICE DRILL!
Keroro: *Slightly douche-cool* Ha! Ironic. *Proud and powerful* Take that, Captain Crunch! You can't stop, the DORORO PLATOON!
HQ: Alright alright ya fruit loop. Just wait for the lava to melt and we'll try again- *Giroro shoots the monitor*
Dororo: Thank you, darling.
Giroro: I'm secretly hoping he was in the TV. But we still gotta take out the drill!
Dororo: I'm on it! *Jumps up* HAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! *Machine splits, Giroro shoots the pieces and destroys the rest of it*
Keroro: Great job, platoon! For my last formal act as leader-
Dororo: You don't get one. Let's get out of here, everyone!
Kululu, Giroro and Tamama: Right!
*Dororo flies everyone out, Kululu HEEEEEEEEEGH's the whole way up, Tamama screams the whole way up, lava returns to normal, cut to the platoon on the Hinata house roof*
Keroro: So how'd you know what would happen?
Dororo: Giroro and I have a code. “Enchilada” means “Pretend to fight me so we can fix another one of Keroro's fuckups”.
Keroro: Well you won't have to worry about that anymore, with you in charge.
Dororo: I'm not taking over the platoon, Keroro.
Keroro: *Irritated* Do you want a silver platter? I can find one!
Kululu: Actually, none of us have to worry about it.
Giroro: How's that?
Kululu: I hacked the Keron database. HQ prematurely wiped our info, and now he's been dishonorably discharged.
HQ: *On YouTube video* Today on Ridiiiiiculous Trivia! I don't care if my plan destroys Earth or not.
Keroro: How about that? I guess we're not a platoon anymore! You're all dead to me.
Giroro: Nice as it is to be free, it would have been over faster if you told Dororo what was going on.
Keroro: Yeah, sorry I'm a shitty brother, but you really should know better by now.
Giroro: Honey, say the word, he dies in his sleep.
Keroro: That is both rude and harsh.
Dororo: Give it a week.
Kululu, Mois, Keroro, Tamama: *Cheerful laughing*
*The humans look on smiling. Fade to black, fade in to Natsumi sitting by a river at sunset with a teddy bear, pregnant silence*
Natsumi: *In a good mood, thinking out loud* You know... the frogs almost destroyed the world today. But they fixed it just in time. In a way I'm almost proud of them. *Deadpan* But then I remember who they are.
Nuii: What happened?
Natsumi: Oh, their old boss came back for revenge. It worked out for them though – they're not in the military any more. *Camera zooms in on teddy bear* I guess that means they're not a threat anymore either.
Nuii: I... see... That is good, isn't it...?
*A bunch of naked Raidens fly like birds over Dororo as he's sitting and looking happily at the sunset*
Raidens: *Laughing and making noises*
Dororo: *Slowly fading* Any particularly striking moments of interaction with them?
Giroro: I think them dropping the bomb to Dororo that my brother was dead was about it.
Dororo: “Striking”, certainly. In a lighter note, we did get some fun pictures from them when we restarted the blog.
Giroro: The fans all seem pretty cool. I feel like they're thinking about a different Dororo and Giroro a lot of the time though.
Dororo: bittercoldfucker asks: “How do you two feel about kemama?”
Giroro: Hang on a second babe, I think there's something outside.
Dororo: Oh. Want me to check?
Giroro: I mean, if you want. It's no big deal.
Dororo: No that's fine. Here, take the laptop.
*Dororo steps out for a bit, silence for a few seconds*
Giroro: Ah shit I touched it. Eh, he seems to have cleaned it well eno- *pop*
*Dororo comes back*
Dororo: Whatever it was it's gone- babe? What... *Chuckling* Oh-hoh-hoh, did you get me a Giroro teddy bear?! Oh, that's adorable! Awww. *Horrified* ...Giroro...?!?!