Sgt Frog Abridged - Episode 11 (script)

Sgt Frog Abridged - Episode 11
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The following is unedited from the original document except for formatting. Lines may have been rewritten during recording and/or editing.

Script

*House*

Giroro: So you mean to tell me you’ve just had us fucking around for the last year?!

Keroro: No, no! Look, HQ told me that they were dumping us! I didn’t have the heart to tell you guys that we were stuck here for life, so I made sure to keep us busy! Funny story; turns out we still had a mission…

Fuyuki: I plead the fifth?

Keroro: Go fish.

Giroro: Well way to go, genius. You just got your platoon killed by your own commanding officers.

Keroro: Hey, don’t worry! If we can hide this well from Tamama, then we can hide from Well, we’re fucked.

Giroro: Oh fucking come on, Keroro.

Keroro: *Uneasy* I can’t… look at her…

Giroro: You know, I really can’t believe you never found out.

Dororo: Will you guys stop hiding from me?!

Keroro: Damnit, I wish I could remember that creepy guy’s advice…

Giroro: Kululu?

Keroro: No, from when we were kids.

Dororo: Oh god, you don’t mean Joriri, do you?

Keroro: Man. If there was ever someone who went to bed with a girl he thought was a guy, it was Joriri.

*Flashback waves, Giroro vomits loudly*

Giroro: Warn me next time!

Lil’ Keroro: Knock knock!

Lil’ Giroro: Who’s there?

Keroro: …Fuck. Didn’t think I’d get this far.

Giroro: Oh hey, it’s you.

Keroro: Guess what? I brought toys! And girls!

Lil’ Pururu: Keroro said I could tie your tubes.

Keroro: You know what that means. Free cable!

Giroro: Dude, those are all broken. And that’s just one girl.

Keroro: One more than what you have!

Giroro: …You’re in…

Keroro: I live here!

*Cuts to them entering the house*

Keroro: And this is a table. And this is Zucchini’s room- AGH!

Giroro: Who told you about the happy juice?! Oh, sorry.

Pururu: When my mommy drinks juice, nobody’s happy.

Giroro: …Aww, I mean- Ahhh…

Keroro: Now where the hell is Zeror-?! Oh there he is. Wow, we don’t even have to do it ourselves anymore.

Pururu: You shouldn’t be mean to the outrageously diseased.

Keroro: *Retarded laugh*

*Cuts to clubhouse painted over*

Giroro: Damnit Zeroro, were you coloring again?!

Zeroro: You broke my hand!

Keroro: It’s a new game!

Dick #1: Brrdprrrbrrrprrbrrdrrr!

Keroro: Are you the ones who did this?!

Dick #2: Naddanaddadanadanadanada!

Keroro: …Uh-

Dick #1: Brrdrrrprrrpdrrrbrrdrrrr!

Zeroro: …Yeehaw?

Adult Keroro: Yeah! That’s the spirit!

Adult Giroro: Let’s kick his ass!

Joriri: Jimimi, play a little tune for me.

*Blues guitar starts*

Joriri: Less talking, more walking. *Dun-dun, dun-dun* Unless you’re on an island. *Dun-dun, dun-dun* ‘Cause you’re gonna fuckin’ drown.

Adult Keroro: Mr. Hobo! Help us!

Joriri: Don’t worry kids, I run a lemonade stand. And when I run outta lemons, that leads to violence.

Dick #1: Brrdrrprrdrrprrrdrrprrr?

Joriri: *Confident* Brrdrrbrrprr.

Dick #2: AAAAAAAGH! *Explosion offscreen*

Zeroro: Can you be my new daddy?

Joriri: If I had a nickel for every time I heard that, I’d smell really bad.

Adult Giroro: You already do.

Joriri: I’m rich!

Adult Keroro: *Narrating* And from that point on, whenever we needed help we would go to Joriri.

Joriri: You kids know about Easy-Bake Ovens? Well I tried to make ‘em difficult. I failed.

Keroro, Giroro, Zeroro: Wooooooow…

Joriri: Remember, live your life like a sea urchin: Fucking ridiculous.

*Everyone pulls out shovels*

Keroro, Giroro, Zeroro: *Trance-like* Ridiculooous

Joriri: Volcanoes erupt once every year. Just like having sex with me, except less people die.

Joriri: A library book. Or as I like to call it: a reading cocktease.

Joriri: I don’t understand water wings. Every time I throw birds into the lake, they drown.

Adult Keroro: Oh yeah, now I remember the one I was looking for!

Joriri: Look young man. May I call you young man? I would rather not. Listen, you will find yourself interested in many different men and women, and sometimes you will find yourself driving backwards to your son's wedding. But remember this, the son never sets on love, it only questions why you showed up to wedding in nothing but two socks and a chain wallet. Now get out there, and get me a wife.

*Transitions back to the group in the hole*

Keroro: Well that was fucking dumb.

Tamama: It’s not that bad, Sarge.

Keroro: HUH?!

Tamama: I mean, we could be dead.

Keroro: Hey, you’re right. *Puts arms up* Ah hell, we’re probably not in any danger anyway. *Sharp inhale* Yeeeeeah… You’re a girl…

Pururu: *Calling from outside* Avon calling!

Keroro: MEAT SHIELD!

*Throws out Fuyuki and Natsumi*

Pururu: I’m kidding, that’s my little joke. How you guys doing?

Kululu: *Entranced and astonished* The box is open…!

*Cuts away, Dororo’s eyes follow a bug on Tamama’s head, Tamama drones NURRRR*

Keroro: See? I told you guys. They were just sending someone for a checkup! I was almost worried for a second there, but Pururu’s a friend, so we’re safe! AGH!

Giroro: Dororo. Cover me.

Dororo: Go for it, buddy.

Giroro: *WHEEEZE* AAAAAAAGH!!!

Pururu: Alright, let’s get started with the sickest one of you.

Keroro: Tamama!

Tamama: I caught the vaginas.

Pururu: Don’t worry honey, I get those all the time.

*Cuts to Pururu sitting in chair looking at her chart*

Pururu: *Listing off* Alright, let’s see. Tamama, you don’t have the vaginas; you’re just allergic to shoes.

*Giroro*

Pururu: *Slightly confused* Giroro, one of your toes is slightly redder than the others… *Dramatic* And that just bothers me.

*Keroro*

Pururu: *Back to listing off* Keroro, you’re fine; you’re just an oversexed asshole.

Keroro: NO- Oh, yeah that’s me. But isn’t that why you like me?

Serious Pururu: Why was the gay guy fired from his job?!

Serious Keroro: Because he was gay?!

Serious Pururu: Because he sucked!

Keroro: *GASP!* She serious’d me…! I think I’m straight…!

Giroro: YOU’RE BI, YOU IDIOT!

*Dororo*

Dororo: How am I, Doctor?

Pururu: *Inhales* *Closes mouth* Hmm…

Dororo: Doctor-?

Pururu: I don’t know how to tell you this, but you have everything?

Dororo: I don’t have love…

Pururu: *Sounding more shocked* No- I mean, you have everything. Every type of virus, germ, parasite; every cancer including ovarian; you even have a yeast infection!

*Stands in silence*

Pururu: *Flabberghasted* They're... just sitting there completely benign and non-contagious, but you have them!

Dororo: It's not my fault I wanted to make friends.

Pururu: *Still exasperated* It's a total miracle, but you must be immortal or something! Can you even SEE?!

Dororo: Usually.

Pururu: *Points, commanding* That’s it. Dororo, you’re coming with me. Keroro, I want you to sort out your sexuality while I’m here.

Keroro: What’s there to sort out? I fuck you, I fuck him, her, him-her-him-her-him-her! Yes, ma’am.

Pururu: *Thinking aloud* We’re gonna have to keep the rest of you busy, though…

*Cuts to Kululu outside*

Kululu: *Weak* Uuuugh…

Pururu: Here, you clean up this ditch.

*Kululu starts laying out trash*

Kululu: *Tired and aggravated* Agh, I feel like I’ve been raped in my SLEEP!

*Giroro underneath a waterfall*

Pururu: *Calling out* Just relax! This is gonna even out your complexion!

Giroro: *Gets hit with log* AAGH!

Pururu: Alright, now be the log! BE the log!

*Cuts to Tamama swinging from tree*

Tamama: *Furious babbling*

Pururu: *Confused* …IIIIIII didn’t tell you to do that… *Slides out*

*Dororo, him and her sitting by machine*

Pururu: *To herself* How is this even possible…?

Dororo: I eat my vegetables!

Pururu: *Exasperated* What kind of fucking vegetables could do that?!

Dororo: God broccoli.

Pururu: *Flat* ...God broccoli...

Dororo: What? It's a great vegetable.

Pururu: *Awkward* ...So um, did you ever get over that bed-wetting problem?

Dororo: Kind of. Now I do it with my face.

Pururu: *Creepy* Can I look at your heart...?

*Cuts to eye chart*

Pururu: Alright Keroro, what does this say?

Keroro: No penis…

Pururu: And this?

Keroro: No penis…

Pururu: And this.

Keroro: …AAAAAAGH!!!

Pururu: Good!

Giroro: Am I the only one who thinks this isn’t a big deal?!

Tamama: *Whispering* Put your mouth to my ear and go AGH!

Pururu: *Commanding* He ain’t going anywhere until he figures out what he is!

Keroro: I’m a pipe cleaner…No penis...

*Cuts to Keroro missing from his bed*

Pururu: *Gasp* Where is he?! I was gonna make a fortune from that spleen!

Giroro: I don’t know where Dororo is, but we should be worried about finding Keroro.

Pururu: *Low* Oh… yeah. Dororo. Wow, you guys are easy.

Giroro: Damn idiot. This isn’t the first time he’s gone missing. It happened all the time when we were kids- wait, wait, NO! *Vomits, scene transitions to flashback*

Joriri: I used to think “Yo Mama” jokes were funny. Now I just find them in my sleeping bag.

Goriri: Damnit! Not you!

Snake: *Pops in from up top* You need to collect more dogtags!

Raiden: *Also pops in* Hey guys, there’s a bomb in the bathroom.

Snake: RRAAAGH! *Star Wars klaxon*

*Scene transitions back*

Giroro: You know what? Fuck it. He’ll turn up somewhere.

*Pururu turns and hears Keroro in the desk*

Keroro: *Muffled* No penis… no penis… no penis…

*Pururu opens cabinet*

Keroro: *Muffled* No penis… *Clear but low* Oh hey. No penis… This is my roommate Carl. Don’t talk to him; he is penis.

Pururu: *Casual* So, think you’re starting to get over it?

Keroro: *Low* Kind of. I’ve been trying to imagine what Dororo looks like under his mask, but he always looks like Tamama. Then I’m right back to square one.

Pururu: You know, it’s okay to like both men and women.

Keroro: …Oh yeah. Works for me.

Giroro: *Background* AAAAAAAAAAGH!

Keroro: *Flirty* So Pururu, there’s room in here for one more.

Pururu: *Seductive* Ha, ha, Carl, put a sock on the handle on your way out…

Together: Ha-haaah!

Keroro: I don’t get it.

*Credits*

*Post-Credits 1- Joriri*

Joriri: Sometimes I get lost in thought. What's the best route out of “I wonder what dirt tastes like”?

Raiden: *Pops in* You guys going to iHop? Yeah, I'm going to iHop. *Slides off*

*Part 2 – Pururu*

*Phone beep*

Pururu: *Professional* Hello, Lieutenant? I’ve successfully infiltrated Keroro’s base and assessed his platoon’s weaknesses. …
I can assure you, Lieutenant, they won’t be a problem for you and your men. Well… most of them won’t…
…
No, not Keroro. It’s Zeroro, or “Dororo” as he’s calling himself now. He might have been the strongest Keronian I’ve ever seen in my life.
…
No, you don’t understand, sir. Dororo is made of pure disease.
…
Very well. I will have my report sent out immediately. But I suggest telling HQ to setup a Plan B just in case.
…
Very good. Goodbye Lieutenant. Chief Medic Pururu out.