|Sgt Frog Abridged - Episode 10|
Main episode article
Narrator: It was an ordinary day at the Hinata household. Except it wasn’t at the Hinata house, *cuts to train station* it was at a train station. Well you’re on your own now. Good luck. I’m off for some dollar store cheese.
*Shows Giroro, Keroro and Tamama slide into view*
Keroro: *Serious* Hey Giroro, what do you call cheese that isn’t yours? STOLEN!
Giroro: AGH! How long have you been following me?!
Keroro: 500 years, Giroro. It is my sworn duty to creep on you.
Tamama: Isn’t it sweet, Sarge? Everyone stalks the ones they love.
Giroro: I want a divorce!
Keroro: Speaking of which, why are you following Natsumi, Giroro?
Giroro: It’s stealth training!
Koyuki: Did somebody say stealth?
Natsumi: Uh, no?
Koyuki: *Pause* Can they…?
Natsumi: *Sigh* STEALTH…
Koyuki: *Cheery* Hiii Natsumi!
Natsumi: *Eye roll* Heeey Koyuki.
Keroro: This seems familiar. Isn’t this how our first date went?
Koyuki: Can we hold hands?
Tamama: Not even close.
Giroro: *Inner monologue* Damn that girl trying to take my girl. Why must lesbianism follow me everywhere I go? I mean you put on bows once; soon you’re putting on bows everywhere! And then vaginas pop up out of nowhere and…
*Suddenly throws shuriken at wall*
Keroro, Giroro, Tamama: AGH!
Natsumi: *Runs up* What the hell, Koyuki?!
Koyuki: *Cheery* Sorry, I just really hated that wall. Let’s go to the city!
*Cuts to them on the train*
Natsumi: Well this is a nice ride. Been a nice day, it’s…normal… No explosions, groping or creepy stuff-
Koyuki: Hey Natsumi. I bet I can tell what you ate this morning. *Leans in, whispers seductively* Muffiiins…
Keroro: Don’t move, Giroro. I’m cooking burgers on your head.
*Cuts to restaurant*
Koyuki: *Defensive* Well with a name like “Luigi”, could you blame me?
Keroro: By the way. I need to strike out “I want a divorce” from my list of things Giroro will never say.
Giroro: *Through gritted teeth* Is that what you worry about!?
Keroro: Actually let’s see if we can’t strike off another. Say: “Safeway Club Card”.
Tamama: Ha! Speaking of things we’ll never say… uh, listen-
Keroro: Hang on hun. I feel the need to grope myself.
*Cuts to elevator*
Keroro: Who’s the boob now, Giroro?
Giroro: Shut up.
Koyuki: *Gasps* *filled with glee* I can see myself in the brown stuff!
Waitress: What can I get for you?
Tamama: We’ll have what they’re having!
Giroro: Lots of sugar… *Koyuki feeds Natsumi* HOLD THE FURY…!!!
Waitress: *Tuts, groans* You’ll get you a sundae, and you’ll like it.
Giroro: I don’t want a sundae… I’m a lesbian too!!!
*Koyuki attacks their table*
Waitress: *Freaked out* Whoa! How much sugar was in that thing?!
Natsumi: What did I tell you earlier, Koyuki?!
Koyuki: *On the ceiling* I hated that table also!
*Cuts to Natsumi buying Koyuki a bracelet*
Koyuki: *Slightly sad* Is that the bracelet of rejection?
Natsumi: Of course not. It’s the permanent friendship zone bracelet. *Stops, says more seriously* Let’s stay friends. Just friends. You’re the only real friend I have.
Koyuki: Oh thank you Natsumi! *Starts flying away* I’ll try and take you out again sometiiime!
Natsumi: *Calling out* It’s not a daaate-*to herself* who am I kidding…?
Keroro: Well Natsumi, you could probably pass that excuse by your friends at *Natsumi looms over* schooooool…
*Cuts to Keroro with black eye*
Keroro: *Woozy* Okay guys, we gotta make it up to Natsumi for being creepy. Right Giroro?
Giroro: *Woozy* LESBIAN!!!
Keroro: *Nervous* So I’m sending you guys out on a picnic. Unfortunately I can’t join you, cause I got a… joooob…
Giroro, Tamama: What?!
Dororo: *Distant* WaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAA *opens trapdoor* AT?!
Keroro: Yeah I sell free coupons now. Sad thing is I still make more than Wal-Mart employees.
Giroro: This is just a ploy to get out of making up to Natsumi, isn’t it?
Keroro: Well I am the one who pissed her off!
Giroro: Yeah, you shouldn’t go on the picnic.
Keroro: What? I ju- I don’t- you- you son of a-! You mother-! Huh… You really got me…
*Cuts to Keroro at coupon stand*
Keroro: Motherfucker... he really got me... He's gonna be all like, "I'm Giroro in a tent", and I'm gonna be all like, "Pow, I just moved your tent", and he's gonna be all like "Oh god I'm naked", and I'm gonna be all like, "Well fuck I'll move it back then", then I'm gonna be pissed cause my plan didn't work...and I'm gonna be right back here thinking about it... Fuck! He got me again!
*Cuts to everyone else outside the house*
Giroro: Yeah, Keroro’s not coming along cause he’s a dick with a job.
Fuyuki, Mois, Natsumi: *Gasp*
Giroro: *In the background* Nurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Dororo: Okay everyone, I’m gonna be your camp guide. We’re all gonna need to hold hands. Come on. *Ad lib in the background*
*Cuts to Keroro dressed as woman*
Keroro: *Feminine* Not on your life sweet cheeks!
*Nasally male* I bought a coupon and it saved me exactly as much money as it cost to buy the coupon.
*Exaggerated voice over* I used to be fat as shit! But now, I’m sexy as shit! SHIIIIT!!!
*Cuts to everyone at the picnic*
Fuyuki: Nothing can go wrong today.
Dororo: We’re like a picture-frame family.
Giroro: *Looks down at his riceball* Ew…
Dororo: PICTURE-FRAME FAMILY.
*Disgusting, sloppy sounds emanate from Kululu’s endless pouch of curry sauce*
Tamama: I haven’t had a potato chip in four… seconds… *Rip* I MISS SARGE!
Giroro: Ugh… I should have known this would happen. When Keroro’s here we can just ignore him, but when he’s out of our hair…
Kululu: It starts raining. *Evil cackle*
Giroro: Don’t worry Natsumi! I’ll find a blanket or a towel or- *sees note*
Tamama: I detect the hint of untold secrets.
Keroro: *Voice over* Dear everybody. So I got fired, funny story, but anyway, hope you guys are enjoying your picnic. Don’t forget to set up the- *Thunder crack* …tent….
So our old acquaintance Momoka has invited us over to her house to celebrate a cherry blossom festival. Japan really likes to watch pink trees die.
*Slyly* You’re reading this in my voice, aren’t you Giroro? I bet you can’t do this: AH!
Giroro: *Out loud* Oh yeah? Well check this out. AGH!
Natsumi: Whoa! Giroro, are you okay?
Giroro: Keroro won’t stop talking!
Natsumi: He’s not here!
Giroro: HELP ME!!!
Dororo: See? This wouldn’t have happened if you held my hand.
*Cuts to Momoka’s house*
Momoka: Glad you could come over, Fuyuki. My butler Paul will show us to the garden.
Paul: Hello, Karate Butler Paul at your service. Would you like a cup of tea? I can brew it with my bare hands. Or maybe you’d rather a slice of cake; I can bake a cake just by looking at it.
Fuyuki: There’s only so much pink I can take in a day.
Natsumi: *Slightly sarcastic* Love you too, Fuyuki.
*Cuts to everyone standing in front of tree*
Mois: How sweet! A karaoke stage and everything!
Tamama: It’s the perfect place to sing a song with your loved one, and to reveal some dark secrets- Hey Sarge, guess what?
Keroro: *Singing* SUMMER LOVIN’- What?
Momoka: Beautiful isn’t it? It just grew here all of a sudden a few weeks back. I don’t even know where it came from.
Paul: I was just fixing my sock. I didn’t think that would happen.
Snake: Even love can bloom on the battlefield!
Dororo: *In the distance* Shut up!
Momoka: *Serious* Now Paul, whatever you do, don’t do anything that can ruin this for me.
Paul: So you mean-
Momoka and Paul in unison: Don’t do anything.
*Loud rumbling, tree roots fall from the sky*
Momoka: MotherFUCK, PAUL!
Tamama: Sarge! What is it?!
Keroro: Whatever it is, it’s SUCKING US IIIIIIIIIIN!
*Zooms in to building, electronic whirring sounds*
*Keroro is first to wake up, everything is in darkness at first*
Keroro: *Drowsy* Unn… Hun… Hun, why do I smell… curry…?
Dororo: I smell it too…
Keroro: I said “hun” for a reason!...
Giroro: Ugh, where are we…?
Dororo: Oh god, I’m naked again.
*Lights immediately turn on, revealing Kululu*
Keroro: Kululu? What’s going on? Why are we in a dollar store? I think I took hun here once. We never came back. Did we die?! Giroro, I have to know!
Kululu: Oh you recognize me, Keroro? One sec. *Pencil moustache pops onto his lip*
Keroro, Giroro, Dororo: Quien es este?!
Kululu: *Diabolical* That’s right. I’m not the Kululu you know. I’m Kululu… from the future!
Keroro, Giroro, Dororo: FUUUUTUUUUURE…! FUUUUUUTUUUUUURE…!
Future Kululu: I’ve waited a long time for this day, Keroro. I’ve been spending all this time, traveling from the past to the present, and even through the imagination of your own lover. And now we meet here, where it will all pay off!
Keroro: What are you talking about?!
Future Kululu: *More to himself* Oh yes. Years I’ve wasted just waiting to be vindicated. But I’ve only one week to accomplish it. *Louder* You see, I appeared here shortly after the first Mois fiasco, right inside your own room and shortly after I got over a chest cold. I kidnapped your Kululu and hid him in a box labeled “hamdingers”.
Keroro: *Gasp* Nobody would find him there!
F Kululu: Then I waxed my sexy moustache and took his place, all the while generally fucking with you while I set up this insane meeting.
Keroro: Why do such a contrived thing?!
F Kululu: It’s simple, Keroro. You must die.
Keroro: …Die…?! Why didn’t I notice…?!
F Kululu: Why, indeed? I left you a little secret code to help you figure it out when you’re old enough.
Keroro: You don’t mean…
*Flashback, shows Lil’ Keroro holding paper covered in 9s and 4s*
Lil Keroro: What is this code?
F Kululu: You know what the Japanese word for death is? It’s Shi, same way they pronounce the number 4. And you know that laugh I never do anymore? That “ku” nonsense? It just so happens to be a Japanese 9.
*Message appears* KUKUKU DEATH KU DEATH KUKUDEATH etc…Words fly about screen*
Keroro: Oh my *breathes* gooooooood!
*Cuts back to insane dollar store*
Keroro: I don’t understand. Why kill me?
F Kululu: Because where I come from, it’s been seven years since we began this invasion. And I’m tired of waiting for you to stop being a useless waste of my time. I’m ending your military career right now, and the man who truly deserves to be in charge will lead the attack against Earth. Your platoon will finish their mission, whether you are alive or not.
Dororo: Is there nothing we can do to change your mind?
Giroro: Besides shooting Kululu in the face.
F Kululu: *Diabolical* Heheheheh… Well I am insane, so what the hell. Make three things happen right now that never happened in my timeline because they are practically impossible. I might just let my time run out.
Natsumi: *Chimes in suddenly from off screen* Hey I don’t know why I’m telling you this, but I just caught my two creepy friends kissing each other in the fruit isle. I think they’re a- yeah, they’re a couple now.
Keroro: And one!
F Kululu: Huh. That’s some…timing…
Keroro: But what else? Doromania, you have any ideas?
Dororo: Well if I think hard enough, I suppose I can- *massive electric seizure*
OH MY GOD. IT’S ALL MY DAD’S FAULT.
Keroro: …Which one?
Dororo: My friendship issues, my obsession with being you and Giroro’s friend, never being happy even when I’m with you, and not even being happy with the only girl to ever care about me. It’s because my dad was a criminal who was never around and left me to an ungrateful mother who paid people to hang out with me because I CAN’T MAKE FRIENDS!!!
Keroro and F Kululu: …Whoa…
Keroro: That’s two…?
Dororo: …Huh. I don’t feel like I’m having an aneurism anymore. Phew, you should have seen the ones I had last week!
Keroro: *Cheerful* No one sees anything you do!
F Kululu: Well…um…I guess at this rate, saying you can’t possibly come up with a third one would be optimistic... Maybe it’ll be Giroro finally nailing Natsumi?
*Giroro scowls. Eyes droop*
F Kululu: Or maybe Keroro accomplishes his mission right in front of me? That’d be cool.
Keroro: Yeah it would…
F Kululu: Hmm… Oh, I’ve got it! Tamama’s actually straight!
Keroro: Oh now that’s just ridiculous. *Deadpan shock* Tamama what are you doing here…
Tamama: Um, well-
Keroro: Wait. Wait... *Breathes heavily* You are straight…
F Kululu: …Works for me. *Sighs, says tired and annoyed* I’m gonna go watch Matlock; I don’t need this crap. *Disappears*
Tamama: Oh well, hang on. It’s just that I found something out yesterday…
Keroro: Oh, it gets better!
Tamama: No, Sarge, you don’t understand! I’m straight for you!
Keroro: …The fuck?
Tamama: I’m a girl!
*Dun dun dun*
Keroro: *Upbeat* Oh! *Suddenly frightened* Oh! OH! OH GOD!!!
Mop: And I’m a talking mop!
Keroro: Does- does this mean I'm straight? I can't be! My interior decorating is impeccable! I MUST be gay!!!
Tamama: Guess I really AM a princess. I don't feel any prettier though...
Giroro: Pink was the one color they never made me use in kindergarten... Oh god... no more coloring...! COLORIIIIING!!! *Flies out window, Attempt 5*
Dororo: Wait. What do you mean “which one”? …Shiiiiiiiit…
Viper: Here’s your child support. HUWAGHAWAGHA!
Kululu: HEGH... *Sad sigh* Sorry dustbunny. It's just not the same.
Natsumi: In Giroro's defense, he hasn't killed anyone in my infinite love-triangles.
Fuyuki: In Natsumi's defense, her options are the lesbos.
Aki: I haven't seen a trip that bad since my honeymoon. YEAH… I WENT THERE.
Mois: Jeez. Not even unnecessary cuteness works? …Oh well. Maybe I’ll just split the world again.
Koyuki: Jeez. Not even unnecessary cuteness works? …Oh well. You’re still worse off than I am.
*Final scrolling credits block*
Mop: *Singing* Cleaning up the set! Cleaning up the set!
Keroro: Mop, you’re upside-down.
Mop: I can’t talk when I’m right- *muffled* side up…
Keroro: Come on, back to the closet with you.
Mop: *Singing desperately as he fades out* Cleaning up the cheese! Cleaning up the cheese!
*Door closes, Screen goes black*
HQ: *Tired and dreary* Hey, Keroro...long time no talk. *Sharp inhale* Uhhh...look... I know we shouldn't have expected much when we sent you to Earth, but you could have at least made some progress by now. We kinda HAD to fire you... We actually thought you'd be dead by now but we hear you're not, so we're gonna have to send someone out there to rectify all this... I can't guarantee that things won't get messy, but you can handle it... *sinister* can't you...?
*Dramatic percussion sting*
Sgt Frog Abridged