Main episode article
Vee: You are watching WTMF-49, with a special premiere of a brand new TV movie: SsssAHnic. Please enjoy, and remember, you didn't pay for this.
Sonic: *Scatting obnoxiously over the Sonic X opening, TV-Y7 replaced with SO-NIC*
- Episode opens, dramatic score*
Eggman: *Sigh* Go get him...
Sonic: *Smirking* Me! Hm! Hm-hm! Hm hm-hm hm-hm!
*Robot smacks him*
Tails: SONIC! I'm comin' to save you- *Plane gets shot* O...kayyy, I guess I'm not!
Amy: *Freaking out* Tails!! Why did you bring me along for this?!
Tails: Oh hi Amy!
Knuckles: Oooh NO!
Tails: OoKAY~! Thanks, Knuckles!
Amy: What's going on over there? Can you see?
Decoe: It didn't work, sir.
Eggman: *Prolonged sigh, turns to Cream* I'm sorry Cream. I tried.
Cream: *Sad* Why won't Sonic leave us alone...?
Eggman: I...I don't know. I tried everything, sweety, I just-
Sonic: Bop! *Wall explodes*
Eggman: Sonic... for god's sake, I'm curing her disease! Please just give me a chance!
Sonic: My dad told me I don't have a chance in hell. So how can I give you one?
Eggman: Wha-... FUCKING...Loan one! I don't know! I don't understand you!
Sonic: Ha! Sonic! I'm standing!
Eggman: I can see that!
Sonic: Now I'm on the wall!
Eggman: Don't fire into my emergency room!
Sonic: I'll protect you!
Sonic: *Jumps away* I tried!
Bocoe: Uh...sir? Look...
Eggman: Huh? ALL OF THE CUUURES!
Sonic: Looks like Dr. Eggman doesn't have a lab! Hey Cream, I got a joke! Ow, I'm on fire!
Tails: Well I guess this is happening today.
Knuckles: Oh no.
*Fade to white, fade in to Sonic sleeping*
Sonic: Inhale! Snore! Inhale! Snore! Huh? Well I guess I'm dead! Father?
*Car horns start*
Sonic: It is you!
Driver: Hey asshole, get out of the road!
Sonic: Aww, I missed you too.
Cop: Stop right there!
Sonic: No! *Runs away*
*Helicopter flies over*
Pilot: This is the police! You have the right to remain-
Pilot: Yes you do. But also stop.
Sonic: Still no!
*Cut to blockade*
Sonic: Sonic running into the camera! Commercial! Sonic running into camera again! Sonic fly! *Sonic singing "Chariots of Fire"*
Cop: Uh, Chief, I'd just like to say, um... "shit"?
Radio man: Roger. "Shit". Hey Sam.
Sam: Did someone... "drrrriiiive-ah"?
Radio man: Yes...Sam...yes.
Sam: Well good. 'Cause I can do that.
*Cut to Speed Team walking down*
Sam: *In head, douche-sings "Chariots of Fire"*
*Cut to Sonic sitting on a lamppost*
Sonic: I wonder if Tails can fly?!
Tails: I just flew in today, and wow my ass hurts!
Sonic: *Jumping down* Guess that's a yes!
*Sam drives up*
Sam: *Talking muffled for an extended period, takes of mask* Ahhhh driving. Sooo... *Condescending* This is my, uh... CAR. I see you're still using legs. You know what I use my legs for? Making my CAR work.
Sam: *Still condescending* You know what I also use them for? Steering sometimes.
*Pause, cars chase after Sonic*
Sam: *Douche-dramatic* My name is Sam. Sam SPEED. I'm glad you like it. It's German.
Sonic: Oh no, I'm depressed! I'm over it!
*Jumps onto car*
Sonic: *Looks into camera* Always run into traffic, kids! Whoa, me!
Speed Team 1: Someone just run over the damn hedgehog!
Speed Team 2: *Gasp* I CAN'T!
Speed Team 1: Why not?!
Sonic: *Sings a can-can*
Speed Team 2: He's...so..COOL.
Sam: Step aside, guys. Watch me drrriiiive. With my haaands. In my carrrr. That I uuuuse. To drrriiive-
Sonic: *Can-can interrupted*
Sam: I'm gonna use the nitrooo. While I drrriiiive-
Speed Team 1 and 2: SHUT UP, SAM.
Sonic: *Zooming up* Ssssoooo-! So-! So-! SONiiiiiiiiic!
Sam: I just realized there's no brrrakesss... In my carrr... That I drrriiiive- *Crashes offscreen*
*Sonic flies off*
Sonic: *Flying* I still wonder if Tails can fly! I'm falling! *Falls* Ah! *Splash* Now I'm drowning! *Suddenly next to Chris* Cough! Cough-cough! Now I'm not!
Chris: Wow, you can talk! My name's Chris-!
Sonic: *Jumps back in the water* Now I am again! ...Sonic died! Darn.
*Credits, Sonic and Sam douche-chorus "Chariots of Fire"*
Tails: Yep, it's still going! This is a really slow explosion! Ohp! Here it is! Yeah, that's really hot! Ow-OH! OH! IT'S SO HOT!
Knuckles: OooOOOOOOH Nooooo.
Vee: SAHNIK will be right back after... never! Stay tuned for more Roller Disco Cancer Zebras, only on: