Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Abridged

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Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Abridged

The following is unedited from the original document except for formatting. Lines may have been rewritten during recording and/or editing.


???: I don't want to die! *light shines*

Charmander And that’s probably why nobody listens to me, kinda like how you're doing right now. Are you dead?

???: I don't think so...*whoosh, looks at the lake* I'm a fucking turtle! I don't want to be a furryyyyyy!

Peliper: For the love of god don't sing poker face...

*super mega intro intro tiem with paper*

*Squirtle wakes up*

Squirtle: Oh man where am I? *looks in the lake* Huh...I guess it wasn't a dream after all oh my god that Squirtle's drowning! *splash, underwater* Oh no wait, that’s me, hey I can breathe underwater!

Chikorita: Hi, we just brought this Japanese text that you can't possibly read. How are you?

Squirtle: Exactly where am I?

Chikorita: This is a weird ass place where you can just randomly turn into a Pokemon.

Charmander: Hehe, I used to be a ferret!

Squirtle: What am I supposed to do around here?

Charmander: You could join our retarded rescue teeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaam! *throws the nooby badge*

Squirtle: Whatchoo talkin bout flamer?

Charmander: What’s an internet? *pushes Squirtle out the door*

Squirtle: Ah!

*the idiots leave the base*

Charmander: I'm an airplane on legs!

Chikorita: You're the chore bitch now!

Squirtle: Que?

*zoom into pond*

Pichu: WAH! WAH!

THE WHALE: Don't cry, THE WHALE just said hi!

Pichu: It’s just that my big brother Pikachu got kidnapped and taken to a volcano!

THE WHALE: Isn't the volcano where kidnapped Pokemon get killed-hey look water!

Snubull: You're in water.

THE WHALE: Haha, urine! Because the shoe's on the other foot! You think you'd go inside the door, but the exit is right there!

Pichu: *starts to sniffle*

THE WHALE: Who the hell are those faggots?

*zooms in three times to the faggots*

Charmander: IT'S A BADGE!

Ekans: Get out of the way you idiots! Bleh!

Gengar: Heheheh… Ha! We're Team Irrelevant; we don't do anything but get in your way and be complete dicks hahaha! We're gonna rescue Pikachu it evily? Mwahaha?

*overhead shot of THE WHALE and co.*

THE WHALE: THE WHALE decrees, whoever rescues Pikachu first...rescues Pikachu

Charmander & Chikorita: De Arimasu!

Squirtle: Que? Oh! De Arimasu!

Gengar: Rape face, hey that reminds me of something...

Keroro: NOT FUNNY!

Charmander *off screen*: That reminds me of something else.

*cut to picture of milk carton, Three’s Company plays*

*scene cuts back to Gengar, Fuyuki randomly pops his head in*

Fuyuki: *In over the top voice* And that’s when I had my first-

Gengar: Fucker, get out of here!!!

*cuts to the team looking at their bag*

Chikorita: Alright, let’s see. We've got some berries, some pears, a stick, another stick, and a grenade.

Ekans and Gengar: Lawl we're gonna eat your food.

Charmander: You're not gonna eat our food!

Gengar: Yeah we are!

Charmander: Ok!


Squirtle: Charmander, you fucker!

Charmander: Look on the bright side! Now WE don't have to eat it!

Squirtle: Yeah!

Chikorita: You guys that was our food for the whole mo-

Kangaskan: Hey you guys! There’s some food over here if you need it!

Charmander: Aw biscuits!

Kangaskan: Thanks for waiting for me to paint my forehead! Now here’s what I have to offer!

Chikorita *unimpressed*: Oh boy, three napkins and a baggie...

Charmander: HAWT DAWG!

Kangaskan: They're not just napkins, if you put it around your neck you can be superheroes!

Baby Kangaskan: Jack-in-the-box!

Kangaskan: Here try'em on!

Chikorita: Yay, I'm Wonder Woman!

Squirtle: I'm Batman!

Charmander: I'm Batman again!

*Honking la cucaracha*

*cuts to them in front of the cave*

Charmander: I'll go first even though you can't clearly see a neon cave, despite it being NEON.

*They walk for a bit, then stop in front of a giant rock*

Charmander: That rock is mocking me! TRIPLE FUDGE ICE CREAM SUNDAE!

*Charmander destroys the rock as bats fly out of the hole*

Charmander: I am Batman! Go away I am your master!

*Pichu runs out of the cave crying and Charmander dodges*

Charmander: Pie dodge!

*Pichu crashes into Squirtle*

Squirtle: Uh-BUH!

*Pichu gets knocked out*

Chikorita: Well, he’s knocked out now

Charmander: *takes out a berry* Let’s blow him up! Here eat this; it’s deadly!


Chikorita: So how did you end up getting st-

Pichu: Oh my god A CAMERA!

Chikorita: Forget it lets just go ahead and find your brother...

Pichu: Hehe I interrupted her. OH GOD MY FOREHEAD!

*The team walks through a hall of Shroomish*

Squirtle: *Whispering* Ok guys, you have to be really quiet, you don't want to wake one-

Charmander: WHAT!?

Squirtle: Charmander you FUCKER!

*Charmander stops*

Charmander: Wait! I got an idea! CHILE CON CARNE APPLESAUCE!!!

*The Shroomish run away*

Chikorita: Wow Charmander that was great! You just went up a lev-


*Everyone stares at him*

Squirtle: That...that’s great, Charmander...

Charmander: Hehehe! *Scene transition* OH GOD MY FACE!

Squirtle: Hey guys I think I'm leveling up too because the poison didn't do anything to m-

Pichu: Nurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Chikorita: Bitch please; it’s all in the napkins!

Charmander: 2 ply!

Chikorita: Hah! See what I did there? I cut YOU off!

*They reach the end of the tunnel*

Chikorita: Hey look it’s the end of the cave!

Squirtle: Oh god when I wake up, I'm gonna be a furry again!


Squirtle: Oh what did I tell you!

Charmander: Yep that’s a volcano!

Chikorita: But that’s a hi-

Charmander: VOLCANO!

Pichu: Hey look! It’s my brother’s gum wrapper! He loved blue gum, he IS a Pikachu after all!

Charmander: I thought Pikachu’s were burgundy!

Skarmory: YAI YO YAAAAAAAAIIIII YOOO! *scoops up Pichu, continues to sing One Piece rap*

Pichu: Oh god, help me!

Chikorita: We need to save Pichu! Skarmory has turned EVIL!

*cuts to Pikachu and Pichu tied up*

Skarmory: Kirby, Kirby, Kirby that’s the name you should know... *continues to sing in the background*

Pikachu: *Unimpressed* Way to go little brother, you got caught too.

Pichu: It’s okay! I brought us a really cool rescue team!

Pikachu: Oh! You mean Team ‘Best Name Ever’!?

Pichu: Even better! I got us Team Retard!


Pikachu: You got us who…?

Squirtle: Hey guys, how about we just give up?

Chikorita: We can't give up on our first mission guys!


Chikorita: Yeah ok.


Charmander: Wait!

*Record scratch*

Charmander: Chocolate covered friendship speech!

Squirtle: Wow that totally motivated me! Let’s go!

*They continue on the path until-*

Charmander: It’s Team Irrelevant!


Charmander: FUCK ALL YA'LL!!!

*Ignore completely*

*Cuts to overhead shot of the hill*


Chikorita: Pichu!

Pichu: Ohmygodhi!

Skarmory: Oh snap!

Charmander: Strawberry nipples! Funimation is better than 4Kids!

Skarmory: Al Khan is Jesus!

Charmander: Ronald McDonald is no match for a super team with badges, yo!

Pichu: Didn’t I tell you they were cool, brother?

Pikachu: Fuck no.

Skarmory: Let’s power up for 15 episooooodes!

*DBZ Super Saiyan music plays as they stare each-other down*

Chikorita: How long are we gonna-

Skarmory: 15 EPISOOOOODES!!!


Skarmory: Fuck this! I’m gonna fly straight at you!

Charmander: Hey look, a rock! No, wait, that’s my pa- *Skarmory hits him* -PERRRRRRRRRR!

Chikorita: Power to the Green Party! *Uses Razor Leaf*

*Skarmory blows away leaves*

Chikorita: Aah! Me and my fucking conservatis- *Skarmory hits her* -SUUUUUUUM!!!

Squirtle: Shit just got real! Have some BUBBLES!

Skarmory: The power of Khan compels you! *Keeps saying it as she attacks Squirtle*

Squirtle: Agh! No! No! No!

Pikachu: *eyes move* Whoooa!

Pichu: Ah! Brother! Don’t do that with your eyes; that’s creepy!

Pikachu: *does it again* WHOOOOA!

Pichu: Agh! Stop it!

Pikachu: *does it again* WHOA-HO!

*The three run to the bag*

Squirtle: Damnit Charmander! This is all your fault!

Charmander: Squawk?

Chikorita: Quick! Open the box! There might be a plot device in there!

Charmander: That’s what I said!

*Squirtle opens box, inside is a bag with sticks*

Squirtle: Oh great. More sticks.

Charmander: I’m ready to cast Magic Missile.

Chikorita and Squirtle: *Affirmative* Hm!

Skarmory: Missiles are inappropriate for children in Americaaa!

Charmander: Chocolate Flambe a ‘la Mode!

Skarmory: *dodges* Noob! Noob!

Chikorita: I’m totally not gonna miss this- Oh god I suck!!

Skarmory: You gotta give it up, give it up, give it up, NO! *continues rapping in the background* L-A-D-Y Nami’s not shy. The ninja whose eye is on it will sing, I’ll be king of Shonen Jump-

Squirtle: I hate One Piece! I like Dragonball Z!

Skarmory: I’m gonna be *hit by Squirtle* KING!

*They both hit the ground* Agh!

Squirtle: This is for when Pokemon was good! *Throws stick*

Skarmory: Oh god! The criticism! *Hits the ground* Damn you sticks…for being…super… effective! Bleh.

Squirtle: Yay! I committed first degree murder!

Charmander: WITH A STICK!

Chikorita: We won’t tell the cops.

Charmander: We have cups? God! I’m thirsty.

*Cuts straight to pond*

Keroro: Fuyuki, what’re you doing in the Pokemon world!

Fuyuki: I AM a Pokemon! Waka Waka!

Squirtle: So that’s how I became a Pokemon and joined Team Retard. We never heard from Team Irrelevant again, thus solidifying their legacy. But it’s okay: I killed a Skarmory and they didn’t. And now I’m on my way to eat that Peliper!

To be continued.

Squirtle: Never


Skarmory: YO!

Fuyuki: Luffy! Don’t give it up, dreamin’!

Squirtle: Zolo! Don’t give it up, Nami!

Chikorita: Chopper! You’re not even in this part!

Skarmory: Don’t give it up, give it up, give it up, NO!
It’s time to duel, cause we some swords
And some other shit… Yeah!
Gonna sail to the Grand Line to be the
Greatest Pokemon Shaman Fighting Chef. Yeah!

THE WHALE: Yo-Ho-Ho He took a doublemint gum

Squirtle, Chikorita and Charmander: Sonic X! Sonic X! Sonic! Sonic X! Winx club! FUCK THIS!

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