Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Abridged: Fire Red Version

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Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Abridged: Fire Red Version

The following is unedited from the original document except for formatting.


Squirtle: *Narrating* Gather round my children. Let me tell you the time I got hit by a train. *BREOW* So that was that. And well, there I was. But then... I met him.

Charmander: *Singing* Choo-choo. Choo-choo your food. Don't get cavities. That isn't guud. *Pause, point* Where did you come from?!

Squirtle: *Narrating* I was gay for five seconds. And then it turned out I was a Squirtle and I forgot I was gay. *Cut to the hideout* It took me a while to adjust.

*Squirtle screaming while he's drowning*

Squirtle: *Narrating* But eventually I got used to it.

*Squirtle blows a bubble, the bubble pops and screams*

Squirtle: *Narrating* I always new I was destined for something great. This was a close fifth though.

Chikorita: Good morning!

Squirtle: *Narrating* And then I met her, and I was gay once again.

Chikorita: I see you found the bathroom. And well, you're in it. So, how do you like the free water that we stole?

Squirtle: You're taking the piss, right?

Chikorita: Yep, I'm the septic lady.

Charmander: I'm an action mailman.

Chikorita: And together we... fight... crime? That's what came out of the hat.

Charmander: Wanna be our sidekick?

Squirtle: Wow! ...No!

Charmander: Here, catch!

Squirtle: Okay!

Charmander: Now you're on the team!

Squirtle: ...Damn...

Charmander: Come along, Marmoset Boy!

*Cut to the bridge*

Chikorita and Charmander: Awaaaaay!

*Pregnant pause*

Squirtle: *Gasps, cut to THE WHALE* Little did I know, a crime was already committed on my first day.

*Pichu cries*


Pichu: But my brother Pikachu's been kidnapped!

THE WHALE: *PFFFKT* I mean, aw that's too bad.

Snubull: If only Team We're So Great That We Died didn't die!

THE WHALE: Maybe I shouldn't have named them that. And told them there was pizza in the volcano.

*Pichu starts whimpering*

THE WHALE: Hey! What did THE WHALE decree?!

Charmander: *Offscreen* Did somebody say "Super heroes"?!

Snubull: I...don't think so.

THE WHALE: I didn't hear it.

Chikorita and Charmander: *Offscreen* Duh-da-duh-dun-da-dun-dun-da-dun-dun-da-dun-duuuuh!

THE WHALE: So your brother-

*The team appears*

Charmander: We're Team We Forgot to Come Up With a Naaaame! And Flying Eggs.

Ekans: *Cough-laughing* WAH-HAGH-HAGH-HAH!

Gengar: Ha! We're Team Snake Ghost Yoga! We do parties! And we're really bored. Let us find Pikachu. Please. I lost my wife. I don't have anything else going on.

Medicham: Woo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo!

Gengar: Also Medicham thinks she's a lamp. We'll do anything.


Lombre: *Whispering* Is that guy alright...?

THE WHALE: Look, we can't have two teams rescuing Pikachu.

Chikorita: Why not?

THE WHALE: You...You just can't. Nooo.

Gengar: Then what do we get if we find him?

THE WHALE: It's a MYSTERYYYYYY. A Pokemon Mystery...CAVE if you will!

Charmander and Chikorita: Yessir!

Squirtle: *Narration* It later turned out to be a broken yo-yo. I proposed to Charmander with it. He responded with a paddle ball without the string. I don't think he understood. Be strong, Marmoset Boy.


Gengar: Be strong, Marmoset Snake.

Squirtle: And then I had to change my name to Squirtle.

Kecleon 1 and 2: Welcome to our shop!

Kecleon 1: We sell nothing!

Kecleon 2: Go away!

Squirtle: ...Damn...

Chikorita: Alright, boys. I've divided the food into two groups: Not Edible, and Can't Eat.

Squirtle: Will that be enough?

Charmander: Action Mailman fasts for Black Friday!

Gengar: Haha!

Medicham: Click!

Ekans: BLAUGH!

Gengar: That's an awful lotta fooood! I haven't eaten since I was boooorn. Would be a real shame if someone took it. Well, bye.

Squirtle: Well, good thing they didn't eat any of the- Charmander, you fucker!

Charmander: Action Mailman was weak.

Kangaskhan: *Calling from a distance* Hey, kids! You need some supplies for your trip? *Cut to the shop* I have... a bag of sticks!

Chikorita: This looks like our old bag of sticks.

Charmander: Action Mailman also needed the money.

Kangaskhan: I also have some rags I found under the sink.

Squirtle: Do they have any special abilities?

Kangaskhan: They clean.

Squirtle: *Narrating* And for once I was wrong. But now, we truly looked like crime fighters with our polka dots of bravery.

Kangaskhan: I didn't tell you to wear them.

Squirtle: *Narrating* So we headed to the Cave of I Think This is the Right Cave This Time.

Squirtle: I think this is the right cave this time.

Squirtle: *Narrating* That's how it got its name. So we went inside and Charmander got mad at a rock. *Charmander destroys rock* Then we went further into the cave and he got mad at another rock. *Charmander destroys rock* This went on for an hour. Until, suddenly, it went on for another hour. And then we found Pichu unconscious.

Chikorita: Code 7, Charmander!

Charmander: Right, Urine Queen! *Opens box, takes out berry* Wake up, Pichu! This'll help you sleep!

Pichu: *Eats berry, makes uncomfortable noises*

Squirtle: *Narrating* And then we revived him so he could guide us out. One year later we got out of the cave.

*Cut to them leaving the cave*

Charmander: Volcano!

Squirtle: That was awfully random, Charmander~.

Charmander: It was, Squirtle~. I thought it would be funny~.

Squirtle: No~.

Pichu: Guys! Shut up and look at this! *Skarmory grabs him* AAAAAAGH!

Charmander: Yeah, I'm looking.

Chikorita: *Video flipped* Quick! After them! Wait, they went the other way. After them!

*Cut to Skarmory pacing*

Skarmory: I hate walking! I hate birds! I hate metal!

Pikachu: *Dramatic and exhausted* It just won't shut up...It just won't...

Pichu: It's okay, brother! We got a team of superheroes coming to save us!

Pikachu: *Excited* Team We're So Dead That We're Great?

Pichu: AND Snake Ghost Yoga!

*Cut to Snake Ghost Yoga lying on the ground*

Charmander: Agh! More fucking rocks!

*Cut to them lying against the rocks*

Squirtle: What happened to you guys?

Ekans: *Wheeze, wheeze. Wheeze wheeze wheeze* Driving.

Gengar: It would be unfortunate if I died. Again.

Squirtle: Hmm... you're absolutely right. *Opens box* Here guys.

Medicham: Click click bzzzt?

*The team split the berry*

Chikorita: That's right, Medicham. Take a bite of this.

*Medicham eats the berry, freeze on eyes closed, then Ekans, then Gengar. Squirtle smiles*

Squirtle: *Low* Sleep forever, you fat bastard.

*Cut to Skarmory*

Skarmory: I hate circles but I'm doing it ironically in protest!

Chikorita: Pichu!

Pichu: What?!

Chikorita: What were you gonna show us?!

Skarmory: I wanna see it!

Charmander: I ate my piece of the fruit. Let's fight.

*Bug flies into Squirtle's mouth*

Skarmory: I love fruit but I hate grass! GAH!

*Skarmory immediately attacks*

Charmander: That's right!

Chikorita, Squirtle, Charmander: We're team-! AGH! AGH! GOD! OW! AAAAAGH!

Pichu: What do you think, big brother?

Pikachu: *Slightly deadpan, still smiling* I'm gonna die.

*The team regroup*

Squirtle: *In pain* Agh! Okay! Listen, guys! Do any of you actually know moves?

Charmander: Our bleeding in place strategy isn't working?

Chikorita: Quick! Check the box for any items!

*Squirtle opens the box, takes out sticks*

Charmander: Perfect! Let's throw the box at her! Enh!

*Throws the box*

Skarmory: AGH! My only reg- blagh.

Pikachu: *Eye thing* WHOA, that's dark!

Squirtle: *Celebrating* Yes! That was the best nothing I've ever done!

Chikorita: That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Charmander: That was the hardest rock I've ever had to chew.

Chikorita: Thank you Dr Seuss Charmander.

Charmander: I have warts on my dick.

Squirtle: *Narrating* I pretended not to hear that. But I did. *Whispering* I did... So we rescued the brothers the next day when we remembered them.

Pikachu: I can't walk!

Pichu: I can't talk! Shit...

Squirtle: *Narrating* And after we fixed that problem, we made our way back to THE WHALE to get our reward. And as he chased us away with a shotgun, I had an epiphany. Whales can grow feet, and I hate my life. With that, my new friends and I set off to find a new job. Which Charmander thought was at the bottom of the cliff.

*Fade to Henry and Henry's Dad*

Henry's Dad: Tomorrow night I'll tell you about when I was in the Jetters.

Henry: Dad, when you said you got hit by a train, I was worried.

Dad: Go to bed, Henry.

Henry: It's 8 in the morning, Dad.

Dad: Go to school, Henry.

Henry: It's Summer Break, Dad.

Dad: Go to the Pokemon world, Henry.

Henry: That's physically impossible, Dad.

Dad: ...This is why your mom left.

Henry: She just left the room, Dad.

Dad: I know, and it HURTS...


*Credits, Charmander singing*

I'm in the hospital
I am all alone
Where'd everybody go
I forgot my name
My nurse is ugly
I like popcorn
And I'm still alone
I can't feel my arms
I should stop swinging 'em
Where are the other two
I'm trying to find rhyming words
I just gave up


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