Other People's Wedding Videos Abridged

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Other People's Wedding Videos Abridged

The following is unedited from the original document except for formatting. Lines may have been rewritten during recording and/or editing.


Pastor: Let me read you what Randolph wrote on his toenails.

Wendy and Randolph met in a sewer. Randolph tripped on a Happy Meal and fell into a manhole; Wendy lived there during the summer. And since this is California, that was everyday. Ha-ha ha-ha ha. Cue for audience to laugh… If nothing, keep going.

Guy in audience: I DON’T GET IT!

Pastor: They would flounder around in the grease and the waste, plotting to do things to people they hate. Like Scott.

Scott: WOOH!

Pastor: Randolph and Wendy never met Scott. And yet, Randolph felt the need to leave notes to Wendy saying, “Wendy: steal my friend Scott’s TV”.
Little did they know, Scott never had a TV. Randolph had already stolen it years back. Because you see, Randolph has short-term memory loss. He probably doesn’t even know why he’s here, and he’s probably going to forget everything I tell him.

Randolph: Huh? Is the war over?

Pastor: As it turns out, Wendy also suffers from short-term memory loss. This is actually their scribbled number-eth wedding this month. Randolph thinks that’s a number, but don’t tell him it’s not.
Anyway, Wendy has been known to steal staplers for no reason. Randolph doesn’t mind, because staplers leave him speechless. Wendy likes that in a man; she also likes men of an Asian persuasion and dark, spiky hair. She is currently looking for her first boyfriend, even though she’s had like six, but who’s counting?

Scott: ME!

Pastor: But Randolph is such a nice guy, that he wrote Wendy a poem.
Roses are red
Roses are red
Roses are
Rose-rose-ro-ro…I’m sorry, I have a stu- st- st- st- st- scoliosis. Anyway, congratulations to the other people having a wedding, from Wend and Dolph…

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