Jetters Abridged - Episode 6 (script)

Jetters Abridged - Episode 6
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The following is unedited from the original document except for formatting. Lines may have been rewritten during recording and/or editing.

Script

*Open with Shiro walking across the roof*

Shiro: Shout, you know you’re really loud when you’re quiet. Whatcha lookin’ at: a new boyfriend?

Shout: *Cheerful* I’m looking at an ice comet.

Shiro: Cold and lonely; don’t steal my joke.

*Looks through the binoculars*

Shout: It’s Sibarelu. The Ice Comet of Love.

Shiro: Sibadabangbang?

*Cut to dreamy shot of the comet*

Shout: *Matter-of-factly* Si-ba-re-lu. *Dreamy* The last time it was here was 15 years ago, on the night my dad proposed to my mom. He offered her the weakness to every woman’s heart: his ass. Oh, how she loved to sit on it. We won’t see that comet again for another 200 years. *Cheerful* Maybe it’ll help me my find my own special ass, you know?

Shiro: Special, no kidding- *Cut to Shiro looking down at street* I just threw a quarter at it, and it came back a dollar! *In background* That’s the best in three counties!

Shout: *Irritated, through clenched teeth, rising inflection* Well, I certainly got what I wished for!

*Opening - Mujoe's crotch has a mouth that says and harmonizes "Bulge Bomb", pause, both scream, bulge mouth explodes*

*Fade in to Twister working on flowers, aura around his ass, Louie is staring at it*

Twister: *Meditating chant* Auhmmmmmmmm…

Louie: Ruuuuuuuuuu…

Shiro: No matter where I move, it keeps staring at me.

Shout: *Slightly sad* He’s always taking care of those flowers.

*Twister walks away*

Shout: Flowers have always reminded him of mom. He took mom up to Sibarelu, pretended it was just to show her the Ice Rose, right up until they got there. He booty popped the question right there.

Shiro: What was that about an ass rose?

Shout: *Deadpan, quickly* I’d tell you to get your head out of the gutter, but I think it’s in the drainpipe now.

Shiro: Yeah, yeah, lobbenshit.

Shout: *Deliberate* The Ice Rose. It’s the only flower of its kind in the universe. Legend says it embodies the magic of love itself.

Shiro: …Therefore it’s on an ice comet.

Shout: Ice comet describes love perfectly! *Dreamy* Beautiful and seldomly found...but it can hurt...if you cling to it too tightly...

Shiro: Like a cat's tongue. That shit is rough.

Shout: ...I'm going to bed.

*Shout walks away, booming voice is heard*

Mufassa: *Voice of Twister* Shiroboooon… Shirobooooon…

*Shiro turns, an ass appears in the sky, "Circle of Life" plays*

Shiro: Jees-ass?

Mufassa: Shirobon, you must go to Siba- ba-…babagabullshiiiit. Seek out the unique Ice Rose, and the answers will come to you.

Shiro: Answers to what, your assholiness?

Mufassa: Answers to… your destin- *quarter bounces off the cloud* oh fucking hell.

*Cut to Bar Touko, Shout saying “Only flower of its kind in the universe” echoes in slowly*

Mujoe: WHAT?

Mama: Indoor voice, hun.

Mujoe: Sorry Mama. So, uh, I was thinking....Me. You. Ice Rose. Love. Kablamzo.

Mama: Oh, Mujoe, you’re such a sweetheaAAARKK- sorry, just laid another egg.

Mujoe: …How? And where? Hm?

*Phone rings, Mujoe picks it up*

Bagular: *Very drunk* ICE…ROSE…FFFFUCKIN…SPRAINED MY ANKLE… *Hangs us, dial tone*

Mujoe: Well off I go.

*Cut to comet, lame kazoo music, Pommy Dragon pops up, finishes the kazoo song*

PDragon: Ahhhh. Nothing like a kazoo to show you hate humanity. *Mujoe’s ship appears* Ohp! Dinner’s here. Hope they’re not pregnant this time.

*Cut to inside of Cosmo Jetter*

Ein: Attention Jetters! It’s an emergency code: man wondering if eating a porcupine is a good idea!

Birdy: It isn’t a good idea.

Ein: Well you heard the man!

Gangu: That means the Hige Hige Bandits are after the Ice Rose!

Shiro: We better hurry! Jees-ass demands it!

Gangu: Jees-ass?

Shout: Shiro! *Dramatic and romantic* I was wrong about you this whole time! Come! Let us find the secrets of love together!

Gangu: Nuh-uh, girl, he’s just thinking about a- *Coin hits him in the butt, he splits open* -aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-

Shiro: Ah, my lunch money.

*Cut to Sibarelu, Mujoe running away from something*

Mujoe: AAAAAAAGH! *Freaked out* He…he ate them…! Even the deep one!

Deep One: *Distance* AAAAAAVE MARIIIIIIIAAAAAA! *Continues singing random lyrics in the background*

Shout: Mujoe! *Jetters appear, Shiro is holding a quarter*

Gangu: -aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa- *Occasionally electrocutes*

Mujoe: Oh thank god! Do you know how to make a dragon vomit?!

Shout: We’re not letting you take the Ice Rose! And…NO…What?!

Bongo: *Sniffing* Hmm, I smell robot barbecue, Bongo.

Gangu: Why does that interest you?!

Bongo: And I smell a Charabom.

Mujoe: Hm? *Turns, sees PDragon* IT’S HERE! …AwwwwAAAAGH!

PDragon: I forgot to introduce myself! I’m Pommy Dragon, and I’m a fire Charabom! …You guys seem tense. I know! How about a joke? Why did the dragon eat a baby walrus? A Newspaper! Ha! Oh come on guys, this is a…ICE breaker… EHH?! *hangs mouth open, you hear Deep One louder*

Higes: *hang their heads and sigh*

*PDragon blows fire at them*

Mujoe: AAAH! Ergh...They’ve got me in a corner! I guess I'll just have to grin and bear it...

*Notices bear*

Mujoe: Huh.....*sigh* Stupid adorable dragon... *Readies the ostrich* BOMBER! CHANGE!

Bear Bomber: I am Bear Bomber! I’m going to- *cut to everyone on the ground* -win…apparent…ly?! AHH! The beautiful maiden has collapsed from the cold! I must warm her with my face! MMMMUUUUUUUUUUUGH-

*Five minutes later, Shout standing in the cold, Shiro slides in*

Shiro: So we’ve been on Sibulbasaur for ten minutes and already we second base’d a bear. Surprisingly not the worst day of my life.

*Cut to PDragon’s house*

Bear Bomber: This is the life.

Gangu: This is the- aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-

Shiro: This is really weird.

*PDragon brings a drink to Shout*

PDragon: Drink to wash your mouth out? Nothing gets bear spit out like it!

Shout: Aww, thank you!

*Shot of everyone drinking, pause*

Bongo: That bear is a slut.

Shout: *Thinking sadly to herself* I never thought a quest for love would so be hard. This isn’t how I’d envisioned it. Everyone else is getting the love they’re looking for…

Shiro: So how are the acoustics in there?

Deep One: LIKE SEX.

Shout: And I mean everyone. But wait…what about Mujoe? *Angry* Aw crap, where is he?

*Cut to Mujoe chiseling out the Ice Rose*

Mujoe: *Mumbling to himself* Stupid…adorable dragon…stupid Jetters…stupid…promiscuous bear- Ha-HA! At last, Mama, this one’s for you. Or Daddy. Or Mama?

Mama: HRAAAAAAK!

Mujoe: Daddy?!

Bagular: Sssprained my ankle!

Mujoe: *Ruffling his head* This is a path I didn’t wanna go down again! AAAAAAGH! KAAAAAABLAMZO! *Gets struck by lightning, pauses, looks at his hand* I guess I’m a thunder god now.

Shiro: Oh come on! He’s not even a bomber!

Mujoe: *Turns and sees the Jetters* Urh-?!

Shout: If my romance quest has to do with YOU, I would rather die.

Gangu: You eventually will, but...

Shout: Who fixed you?

Mujoe: Forget it! Take the damn Ice Rose! *Running away* And stick it where the sun don’t shiiiine!

Shiro: …Alaska?

Gangu: We did it!

Shiro: Woohoo!

Mujoe: *Running back* WaaaaaaaAAAAAAIT- *hits ground* Ow. *Begging* Please, just this once, let me have the flower!

Shout: *Angry* No! It’s my only ticket to a romantic rendezvous with destiny!

Mujoe: Are you kidding? Love isn't about finding it. Love is about giving someone valuable crap until they want your bulging muscular figular! Wait a minute…

Shiro: That…is the most beautiful thing I have ever heard.

*Shiro imagines Mujoe give the Ice Rose to someone*

Mujoe: Here you go, my darlin’. I got this for you.

Female Mujoe: Well thank you, darlin’. Why, up until now I thought you were a bulgin’ asshole, but now I want your muscular figular.

Mujoe: Let’s go to a bathhouse. *Whipcrack*

*Cut back*

Shiro: Shout, love is a battlefield, and you lost.

*Shiro remembers Twister’s ass*

Mufassa: But Dad aaaaasss…

Shiro: But DAD ASS…! NO WAY!

Mujoe: Damnit! *Wrenches the flower away* It’s mine! It’s mine! *Jumps into crevice* Mama will be miiiiii-ha-ha-haaaaaa- *crashes* …OW…WHY…WHY DID I DO THAT…THIS WAS A TERRIBLE DECISION…

Shiro: Oh hey, look! A whole field of Ice Roses! Let’s go frolic.

Shout: *Deadpan, flat* Lesbian. Officially, at this point, lesbian.

Max: You are…I… understand. Seems love eludes me too, once again. Shout… my love…ah…ah-ha-hah… I need a moment…ahh-hah-hah… ah-hah-hah…*tosses flower off to the side* okay I’m over it.

Gangu: So wait, why are there so many Ice Roses now?

PDragon: So that nobody could find love today! I feed on the suffering of others. And I… love it. Ha! Ha-ha! *Gets hit in eye with quarter* Ha-hAGH!

*Cut to Shout’s house*

Shiro: You know, it’s too bad that mission was over so quickly.

Shout: Sure, you can say that.

Shiro: I just wish I knew what those “answers to my destiny” were supposed to be.

Twister: Who knows, Shiro? Maybe the answers… *Shows the picture in the newspaper* are right behind you…

*Credits – Love Stinks*

*Post-Credits 1: Mujoe at the bottom of the cliff*

*Long pause*

Mufassa: Muuujooooooe…Muuuujooooooe…

*Silence*

Mufasssa: I’ll, uh, come baack laateeer…

Mujoe: There is not a lot of oxygen on this comet.

*Post-Credits 2*

Max: I don't know...ever since I saw those beautiful eyes, I can't seem to get her out of my head. At the same time, I don't know how to approach her. I get HYPER nervous. You have experience with women, what do you think I should do?

Deep One: SHOW HER HOW SENSITIVE YOU ARE!

Max: You mean, like, poetry?

Deep One: I MEAN PRETEND YOU’RE SCARED OF BEING EATEN. THEY LOVE THAT. AND WHILE YOU’RE IN THERE, SERENADE HER.

Max: …Who is your girlfriend anyway…?

Deep One: I’LL INTRODUCE YOU LATER. SHE’S PRETTY HOT.