| Jetters Abridged - Episode 2 | |
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The following is unedited from the original document except for formatting. Lines may have been rewritten during recording and/or editing.
Script
*Shiro is in ship as it crashes*
Shiro: Damn my shoddy craftsmanship! Quick Louie! Fix it!
*Crashes, hangs from lamppost, sees Shout*
Shiro: Hey, a girl. Okay. Remember what Mighty told me. Hey! I want your phone number, and/or address! Names are optional!
*Opening, Mujoe’s bulge explodes*
Mujoe: ...Ow...
*Shiro and Shout stand in front of impact site*
Shiro: So, are you gonna get out of the way, or-
Shout: Look at what you’ve done! This is the worst date ever!
Shiro: I really hope you’re talking about someone else...
*Shout makes a face*
Shout: Hey! You’re a Bomberman!
Shiro: Huh?!
Shout: I knew it! I’ve seen people from Planet Bomber, but I’ve never seen a Bomberman before.
Shiro: ...Are you fucking serious?
Shout: Let me look at your belt.
Shiro: Ah! I thought the date thing was a joke!
*Shout looks surprised, stares*
Shout: ...Huh. Well anyway, back to figuring out what “hanging out” means! Now if I can remember correctly, Birdy’s directions were... *Shiro and Louie rifle through her stuff* Hey, what are you doing?!
Shiro: RAID!
*Shout opens the door to the house*
Shout: God, Dad! Why do I have to like boys? *Sees Shiro* Huh...?
Shiro: I found where you live. I kinda blew it up. So I made a new one to apologize. But I still felt bad, so I made you soup. You’re welcome. I don’t have a home.
*Cuts to horse alien hailing Birdy’s taxi*
Birdy: Where you going, Mac?
Horse: Quick! To the hospital! My wife’s in labor!
Birdy: Hey, relax man. Menstruation’s just a form of rejection.
Horse: ...What?
Birdy: Did you know you can’t smell your own eyes? Facts like that disappoint me.
Horse: What the fuck?! She’s gonna give birth any minute now!
Birdy: Hey now. I got one last thing to say.
Horse: ...What would that be...?
*Pause, Birdy smirks*
*Cuts to Shout’s dad reading newspaper*
Dad: Huh. I’d find that depraved if I knew what that meant.
Shout: Are you sure your bunny doesn’t need chopsticks-?
Shiro: He knows what he did!
Shout: ...Then why give him food?
Shiro: Because it’s funny. Anyway, I need to find Dr. Ein. I need to join the Jetters as soon as possible.
Shout: The Jetters?! Don’t be ridiculous! Kids aren’t allowed in the Jetters except for me.
*Stands up, starts acting serious*
Shout: But we haven’t been the same since Mighty disappeared.
Shiro: Mighty what?!
Shout: We were fighting the Hige Hige Bandits at one of their bases. Mighty threw a bomb at them, but he always had to wear that stupid visor. I bet he didn’t even see that side of the cliff. But then he got pissed off and left.
Shiro: That’s so like Mighty...
Shout: So quit wasting your time. You’re up against some high-caliber people. Well, unless you bribe the Professor with noodles. But where are you gonna get noodles?
*Cuts to Birdy and horse alien, Horse alien hurls*
Birdy: You know, most people get carsick. You’re just sick of the truth.
*Cuts to Dr. Ein holding a bowl*
Dr. Ein: Yep, he’s in.
Shout: Oh, peanut butter and suck! You can’t be serious! He’s an inferior Bomberman! We can’t make our team any worse!
Ein: Yes, but he’ll work more for less pay.
Shout: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
*Birdy appears*
Birdy: I brought a pencil. You can all go home now.
Ein: Shout, you’re strangling Mighty’s little brother.
Shout: Huh...? You mean he has worth in his blood...? Awesome...
Shiro: I’m not a trust fund baby...
*Alarm goes off*
Alarm: *Campy* Alarm. Alarm.
Ein: Quick team! It’s an emergency Code Flamboyant!
Alarm: Oh, thtop it.
Ant: Hello, Jetters! I need your help immediately-
Everyone: AGH!
Birdy: I can relate.
Ant: Oh, like I’ve never heard that before. Look, behind these massive mandibles and beady, murderous eyes beats the heart of a worried mother. The Hige Hige Bandits have stolen the only egg I ever laid, and now I worry for the future of my species.
Bongo: I know your pain, Bongo. We’ll take the job.
Ein: Shut up, Bongo. God! You’re so insensitive! Anyway, disgusting ant creature, we’ll take the job out of pity!
*Cut to ship*
Gangu: Cumbersome engines that look ridiculous. Attaching now! Check!
Shout: Front end shields that make it less aerodynamic. Check.
Birdy: Gasoline. Well this is awkward.
Shiro, Bongo, Gangu: FUCK! (Bongo...)
*Time lapse*
Birdy: Alright, gasoline check. Clearly bad attitudes weren’t.
Gangu: Suck mobile comprete! Jettahs awaaaaay!!! God, I offended myself by saying that!
Ein: If I blew them up now, I could get a competent team. Too bad I put the button in the ship. What’s wrong with me, Doctor?
*Busy tone*
Ein: It’s alright, I can take whatever news you give me.
*Jetters ship lands*
Birdy: *Over intercom* Shout, remember something important. If a shower head could talk, it would probably say, 'kssssssh...'
Shout: Yeah, mission. Bye.
*They drive off, cuts briefly to Birdy*
Birdy: sssssssshhh-
*Cuts to Mujoe*
Mujoe: *Coughs badly* I’m so awesome, I can surf and burp at once! ...Burp! Be impressed !
Hige!
Deep one: My back hurts!
*The Jetters suddenly appear*
Shout: Mujoe!
Mujoe: Oh, jelly and balls!
Shout: What does the Hige Hige want with an ant monster’s egg?
Mujoe: Well if you must know, eating this supposedly shrinks a certain part of the anatomy. Mainly the... arms.
Shiro: *Pulls out bomb* I hear bombs do the same thing.
Mujoe: Oh, come the crap on, kid. That bomb’s smaller than my- arms.
Deep one: Oh, for fuck’s sake!
Gangu: He’s right, you know!
*Cuts back to Birdy*
Birdy: "...ssssssssssssshh....Squeak, squeak. You take too fucking long to shower.' That's what my shower would say to me. … Don’t interrupt me.
*Cuts back to Shiro*
Shiro: *Reading* Okay, so to make your bombs bigger, eat a diet heavy in protein and this is not the scroll I was looking for.
Mujoe: HAAAAGH... Laugh too.
HIIIII...
Deep one: HAAAAGH
Mujoe: You really telling me you’re in Mighty’s gene pool? You ain’t got the cajones for it, kid. You couldn’t save a moderately struggling orphanage from termites. And then punt one of the kids for a field goal. I’ll admit it: I laughed. Just like how I’m laughing at you! HAAA *Shiro throws fire bomb* AA-AGH!
*Shows egg with large hole*
Mujoe: Oh, what the hell, kid?! Now I’ll never be able to shrink my- oh fuck it.
Bongo: Can we do something, Bongo?
Gangu: Shiro create new bomb!
*Beep beep*
Ant: *Over intercom, evil laugh* Foolish Jetters. That little distraction has given me all the time I need to lay a new legion of eggs! Soon my monster babies will engulf the universe!
Shiro: RAAAAAID!!!
*Cuts to Birdy*
Ant: Oh god, not the spray! AAAAGH! NOOOO! MY BABIES! MY ARMS! MY MANDIBLES! GOD I’M A DISGUSTING RACE!
Birdy: *Singing* One of these things is not like the other things. One of these things is Birdy. *Speaking* You guys are too serious.
*Cuts to Birdy standing in front of them*
Birdy: Congratulations. You managed to exterminate an entire species, and only sustain an injury by tripping on a rock. Mighty would be proud.
Shiro: I always feel guilty after my blood rage.
Birdy: This’ll make you feel better.
Shiro: That’s Mighty’s badge! But why are you giving it to me?
Birdy: He stole my socks. I think this makes us even.
Shout: Hey... I know this first date has had a lot of twists and turns and ended in mass genocide, but I guess I can get used to having you around.
*Shiro holds up hand*
Shiro: I never got to properly introduce myself. I’m Shiro.
Shout: I’m SHOUT!
Shiro: How did you get that name?
Shout: WHAT?!
Shiro: Hang on. I think I’m forgetting something...
*Cuts to Louie lying dead at the counter*
Shout’s Dad: You know, I could cook that duck bunny. But this is a really good newspaper. Augmn omn omn *crumple crumple*
*Credits, “Ants Invasion” plays, Dad is still heard eating*
*Post-credits*
Dr. Mechadoc: *Villianous laughter* I have created a giant metal ostrich!
*Shows Bomber Machine*
Mechadoc: With Mighty gone, the natural thought process pointed to robot ostrich. People thought me crazy. So I did it! So now I’m going to use it to create my own bombermen! The Jetters won’t stand a chance against Soap Pump Bomber! *Hysterical villainous laughter*
*Ostrich collapses*
Mechadoc: ...Oh well. Duct tape, this is why I love you!
*Post-credits 2*
Birdy: Hey guys. I wrote a letter to my mom yesterday. Q.
Shiro, Shout, Gangu: UUUUGH.
*Three pows*
Bongo: What’d I do this time, Bongo...?