|Jetters Abridged - Episode 1|
Main episode article
Mighty: Planet Bomber is home to a race of a most unusual people. The Bombermen are a species with no mouths and no ears. The only way they can communicate is through sheer frustration.
Grandma: *Muffled shouting*
Shiro: *Muffled shouting*
Grandma: *Angrier muffled shouting*
Mighty: And yet the species persists; the Bombermen simply choose to interpret each other’s incoherent anger by assumption. Unfortunately, after one of them assumes, they leave in frustration.
*Shiro jumps out of building*
*Cuts to Mighty waking*
Mighty: Spark plug! …Oh, wow. I just realized how much my race sucks.
*Planet Bomber is shown, Jetters’ ship appears*
Dr. Ein: The Hige Hige Bandits have targeted the Cosmo Diamond, the only diamond in the universe that shines all seven colors.
Mighty: Like every other prism in the universe?
Ein: Yeah, I don’t know what their problem is. They go after this junk, but it’s worthless within two days.
Birdy: They need the money to pay for their ridiculous weapons and gadgets, so that they can steal more treasure. Don’t they know owls are useless in a recession?
Ein: Well, for whatever reason, the people of Planet Bomber hired Jetters to protect the Cosmo Diamond, so get to it! *Signs off*
Birdy: Hey, is that your little brother?
Birdy: That picture; is that you and your little brother?
Mighty: I don’t have my picture out…
Birdy: You know what my grandpa always said, “keep your friends close, keep your enemies at the Travel Lodge”.
Mighty: …Huh. You know, I think I will go visit my broth-.
Birdy: My grandpa’s dead.
Mighty: Oh, Shiro, I hope you’re not causing more trouble.
Birdy: I just realized it’d be impossible to drive this thing if my right foot was cut off. I think about these things. *More underbreath* Maybe if you worried about them too, you’d be a leader.
*Cuts to Shiro happily generating and dropping bombs*
*Shiro giggles, numerous explosions*
Mighty: *In the distance* Shiro!
*Turns to see Mighty*
*Mighty sings Superman, Birdy provides “dun-dun-dun-dun” over the brooch*
Mighty: Thanks, Birdy.
Mighty: Shiro! I return home from fighting crime, rebuilding dams and rescuing orphans to see you so brazenly abusing your powers?
*Puts down girl* Oh, I’m sorry! I tend to pick up damsels when I’m being heroic.
Damsel: I don’t even live on this planet!
*Continues to yell at Shiro* You’re never going to be a great bomber unless you learn to understand; the bomb is in your heart, not in these…bombs. Have I made myself clear?
Grandma: Where the hell is CPS…?
Mighty: Ah, Grandmother. May the best grandson ever have a cup of tea?
Grandma: Don’t kid yourself; you guard junk, your cousin guards a junkyard.
Mighty: Oh, Grandma, we can’t all graduate from DeVry.
Grandma: Says the Communications Major.
Mighty: Go to hell.
*Cuts to Mujo onlooking the museum*
Mujoe: *Tarzan yell* Hey, what happened to mah pants?
Mujoe: And don’t you forget it! He-he-heeh, this plan is like my underwear, tight and outta-sight! Take a huge, fuck-off laser, fire it randomly at the building and clear it all out.
*Looks through binoculars again*
Mujoe: There’s only four of them?! Damn, that makes my plan look drastically inefficient. Ah well, Mujoe’s always big and in your face! Ha ha ha!
Mujoe: Ah, now you’re just being inappropriate.
*Cut to Shiro and Mighty sitting down*
Shiro: I think Louie’s dead.
Mighty: Don’t interrupt me. *Turns head* I think Louie’s dead. That, or he’s as lazy as ever.
Shiro: Well, the Bomber Academy has been making me really nervous, so I’ve taken to siphoning Louie’s adrenaline into my bloodstream.
Mighty: Yeah, he’s probably dead.
Mighty: But that’s okay, we’re like gods. I can make you a new Louie- AGH!
Shiro: What is it, brother?
Mighty: Uh, never mind. *Underbreath* Like to see you try that again… Lemme show you something.
Shiro: You’re not gonna show off aga- oh for fuck’s sake.
*Mighty charges up his hand, fires into the sky*
Mighty: Bomber shoot!
Shiro: Uh, brother, whatever you were aiming at, you missed.
Mighty: Oh, no I didn’t. See, about 20,000 light years away, a woman is about to be hit on by a very ugly shark. But that shark hates tobacco smoke. And...I lit her a cigarette.
Mighty: And I killed the shark.
*Mighty and Shiro are sitting back down*
Shiro: You have no moral compass, do you Brother?
Mighty: I think Louie’s dead again.
*Mighty’s lapel starts beeping*
Birdy: Hey, Mighty.
*Cuts to Birdy*
Mighty: What’s up, Birdy?
Birdy: …What’s your opinion on paper mache?
Birdy: Have you ever built a sandcastle out of paper mache, only to realize…it’s made out of sand?
Mighty: Hey, how’s the Cosmo Diamond?
Birdy: Well, I can’t see it, but I assume it’s still here.
Mighty: Yeah, that’s my cue to go find it. I’ll catch you later, Shiro.
Shiro: Where are you going, brother?
Mighty: To the museum. The Hige Hige Bandits are after the Cosmo Diamond. It’s the most important diamond in the universe.
Shiro: …Then why haven’t I heard of it?
Birdy: *Cutting in over radio* Why don’t you have a mom?
Mighty: *Flying away* *Sigh* What did I say about cutting into my conversations, Birdy?
Birdy: I know, I know. I dunno.
Shiro: Wait! Brother! I can help!
Mighty: No you can’t! I know I was supportive a minute ago, but let’s be realistic!
Shiro: *makes angry face* I’ll show you… I’ll show all of you.
*Cuts to Mujoe striking awkward pose*
Mujoe: ...Well, I’m bored.
*Bandit runs up, frantic*
Mujoe: What? You say you wanna babble incoherently in front of me and have me translate everything you say directly back to you? That doesn’t sound remotely uplifting.
Mujoe: Well next time I’ll pick my words better!
*Cuts to Shiro and Louie running through forest*
Louie: *Gasping and wheezing*
Shiro: Go, my beast of burden! Huh?
*Sees the gear*
Shiro: Is that a diamond?
*Louie’s still gasping uncontrollably*
Shiro: You don’t have to be a dick about it.
*Pause, you see the Hige Hige Bandits*
Bandit: … *Loud and deep* WHAT THE FUCK?!
Shiro: Agh! You must be the Hige Hige Bandits!
All of them: Hige!
Deep one: No shit!
Shiro: Do you know who I am?! I’m the brother of the legendary Bomberman, Mighty-
*Mujoe appears behind him*
Shiro: ...Is something poking into my back...?!
Mujoe: Young man, you are entering a world of hurt.
Mujoe: Oh, wrong phrasing. Sorry.
*Cuts to museum*
Birdy: Hey, are we cool, or-...?
Mighty: Not a word. Not a goddamn word.
*Glass explodes, Mujoe appears*
Mujoe: Sorry for barging in uninvited!
*From a far distance* Hige!
Mujoe: Oh, go to hell!
Shiro: *Sobbing* It’s like a Turkish bathhouse in there...with half the space and double the bulge...
Mujoe: So, what are you gonna do, Mighty? Are you gonna give it, or am I gonna have to take it?
Mujoe: Whoever that was gets a raise.
Deep one: *Muffled* AWESOME!
Birdy: What an insidious, dirty trick. I gnash my cool teeth at you. *Pause, chomp chomp chomp chomp*
Mujoe: Oh yeah, well check these out. *Chomp chomp chomp chomp*
Mighty: Oh fuck it, this is getting stupid.
*Mighty opens the diamond’s case, picks it up*
Birdy: *Astonished gasp* That’s the Cosmo Diamond!
Mujoe: Throw it over here. I’ll catch it in my pants. Wait, I’m still missing them, aren’t I? Ah hell, whatever.
Mighty: For fuck’s sake, take the diamond and shut the hell up.
Shark: *Over Mujoe’s walkie-talkie* Tobacco is wack, Puto Pendejo.
Mujoe: Who the hell is this?!
*Gets tackled by Birdy*
Birdy: Shiro! ...Don’t look now...! *More intense* It’s vision is based on movement!
*A pair of eyes slowly appear on Mujoe’s bulge, quickly cuts away*
Grandma: Help, I’m being chased by a menagerie- oh, dear.
*Fires light out into sky*
Shark: *Over walkie-talkie* Dah’s what you get, mang- ai, coño.
Shiro: Brother, brother please say something!
Mighty: *Weak* If only I had Bongo at my side, I would hit him.
Bongo: That’s not nice, Bongo.
Birdy: Wait, you’re hitting on me? If so, what’s your name?
*Cuts to ship starting up*
Mighty: Sorry, little brother.
Shiro: About what? I’m the one who should be apologizing.
Mighty: *Smiles* I mean for killing Louie on the way out.
Mighty: Here’s some balloons!
*Pops, they float off*
Shiro: *dazed* I’ve forgotten everythiiiing...
*Ship flies away*
Shiro: Wait! Brother! We haven’t gotten to reminisce about you being a jerk!
Grandma: Your brother’s an asshole.
*Outside shot of the ship*
Birdy: ...I just realized yesterday, I haven't been invited to prom in over thirty five years.
Mighty: *very loud sigh*
Bongo: Ow, Bongo...