|How I Caught Your Mother|
Main episode article
The following is unedited from the original document except for formatting. Lines may have been rewritten during recording and/or editing.
Red: *Opening Narration* I was 10 years old. On my birthday, my father gave me his old fishing rod. He said, *textbox* “Try and catch me, son!” and jumped into the ocean. I never saw him again.
Old man: Ho-ho! Have a good day, thief!
Red: I stole a man's bike in my grief. I rode for hours, trying to clear my mind. Right into a train.
*MRRRREOW, Cut to Nurse Joy standing politely*
Red: And that's why you should give me these Pokemon.
Red: Come ahhhhhn.
Nurse: Eh, fine, couldn't heal them anyway. *Walks away*
Red: *Thinking* Heh-heh sucker.
*Red enters a random house*
Red: Hey, nice place. *Girl appears* Or it was. Hey, someone's robbing your house. Get out.
Mom: *Looking around awkwardly* Um, actually, I stole this house first.
Red: Like I said. Hurry before she kills you.
Mom: Well, I was, *whispy* but then I raised a family. *Leads Red into the back* That's Mary. No one knows what she looks like.
*Person sweeping, trying to shoo out Growlithe*
Unknown Growlithe Hater: Get out. GET OUT!
Mom: I don't know who that is. *Guy brushing a Vulpix* That's Jim, his Vulpix is dead, but don't say it out loud.
Red: Living a lie, Jim!
*Guy training Rattata*
Mom: That's Dan, his Rattata ate his kids. *Slow creepy turn, quieter voice* And I am all their mothers now.
Red: *Awkward pause* Count me in! Name's Red, Professional Orphan.
Mom: Great! You saw our flier! Your pen is in the back, feeding time is when I feel like it.
Red: No bed time?! This is awesome! Huh? *Sees Cubone* Mo-om! There's a dead thing in my room! I don't wanna clean it.
Mom: Meet your brother, Spurdu! You're gonna have to share with him for now.
Red: I share the air with the world. Isn't that enough?!
Mom: Be nice to him, Red. Some poachers killed his mom volume 1. There weren't any witnesses, but I know what happened.
*Flashback, Blue Rocket Grunt points dramatically*
Blue Grunt: Stop THEEEEEEEEEM-uh!
Cubone: *Gasping for air as he runs pathetically*
Green Grunt: *Gasping for air* Agh! He's-! Too fast!
*Marowak slams into them from the side*
Green and Purple Grunts: AGH!
Marowak: *Muffled, inaudible talking*
Marowak: *Angrier muffled, inaudible talking*
Cubone: Uhhhhh, okay. *Runs away*
Green Grunt: Hey, is that a grass Voltorb? *Explosion* AAAAAGH!
Cubone: Huh? Oh no.
Mom: *Narrates as Cubone stands immobile* Spurdu waited for the rest of him to turn into bones. Until your grandfather got loose and then very confused.
Grandpa: *Bends down to Cubone* I do this every evening. I go out in the yard and hug whatever I find. Last night it was a bike. If there's nothing here I'll just hug myself.
*Fade back into Red's determined face*
Red: You're Spurdoomed...
*Cubone looks surprised, cut to everyone in the lobby, Mom points at Red*
Red: *Chuckling* I guess I'm dead!
Mom: Off to the graveyard! And while you're there, can you find your grandfather?
Grandpa: *Walking towards tower* I found a new place to hug.
Brother: *In Red's ear* You gotta stop Grandpa.
Sister: There have been rumors... A group of bandits have been disturbing the grave site... The spirits are angry!
*Cut to man walking up stairs with bouquet*
Green grunt: Hold it right there, old man! This tower is now under the control of Team Rocket. No boys allowed!
Widower: Vanessa?! You're back! And you're prettier than before!
Green Grunt: Too little too late! *Shoves guy down the stairs*
Widower: AGH! Oof-urgh-guh-agh! *Walks back up to them unharmed* When did you get your arms back? *Shove* AGH! Oof-urgh-guh-agh! *Walks back up* This is only making me stronger!
*Cuts back to house*
Mom: *Nonchalant* Oh, that's just how they make Ghastlys.
Sister: Red Brother, please be careful. I too went up the tower to-
Mom: No! We're done remembering! Red will go up to the tower, find Grandpa, and bring him back. Is that all clear?
Red: *Super dramatically* Pizza. *Pizza slowly slithers out of his mouth and splats on the ground.*
Brother: ...He's got this.
*Shot of Green peering in*
Green: Hmm... If I can die before he gets there, I can haunt him as a Ghastly! Blue, you think of everything!
*Cut to outside shot of the tower*
Red: *Calling out* Hello? If there are any ghosts, I hope you're annoyed! 'Cause I'm comin' for ya! *Woman appears* AH! *Sigh of relief* Ah, Grandpa, so glad I found you.
Tower woman: *Singing* V is for vampire, B is for butt. Gimme your money, I'll give you a hot dog. *Turns, eyes slowly shrink, camera zooms into the corner* Upstaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaairs.
*Cut to Green walking into a room*
Green: That Red thinks he's so smart. When I outbrains him, I'll be Blue! *Sees stairs* Ha! I found you, stairs! Time to get to work! Heheh!
*Cut to Team Rocket polishing their balls*
Blue Grunt: *Still singing* Frieeends~! Did you ever think what our lives would be like if our careers had taken a different tuuuuurn~?
Purple Grunt: *Irritated sigh*
Green Grunt: Keep it in, Sam. He only wants to get a rise out of yo-
Blue Grunt: WELL I HAAAAAVE~!
Purple Grunt: *Fast and furious* YOU KNOW MY PARENTS WERE KILLED AT THE OPERA, YOU FUCK!
Blue Grunt: Meowth! That's riiiiight~!
Green Grunt: Cool it you guys. With these goggles, you might be able to see their ghosts tonight. *Pause* You look good down there.
Purple Grunt: I don't know, man! Someone told me I'm scared of ghosts.
Green Grunt: That was you, you idiot.
Purple Grunt: Then I'm liable to believe them.
*Cut to Red approaching stairs as Green goes running down them*
Green: I FORGOT HOW TO FALL AAAAAAAAAGH- *Red catches him* Oof... Aww! My one shot, ruined.
Red: Green?! Why are you still following me?!
Green: *Pathetic* Psychic doesn't work on ghosts, so you couldn't read my miiind...
Red: You can let go of me, Green.
Green: *Whispers* Gotta catch 'em all... *Raspberries in Red's face, gets scared as Marowak's ghost appears* AGH!
Marowak: *More muffled screaming*
Red: What the hell is tha-
Green: *Smacks Red in the face* It has a name!
Red: *Offended* What is your problem?! *Takes out a pokeball* Eh, hope there's a gun Pokemon in here.
Green: *Power walking away up the stairs* Yeah, maybe it's a Tangela, loser! I'm outta here!
*Cut to Cubone trying to break out of its pen*
Mom: No, no! Stupid, you use your hands to open doors, like this. *Cubone slams past her* Ah!
Cubone: We're not gonna take it!
*Cut back to Red, with a gun photoshopped into his hand*
Red: Hey, there was a gun in here! *Fires gun, Marowak reforms, Menacing* That was just a warning. I meant to shoot that Pikablu.
Marowak: *Muffled and angry* It's not real!
Red: I didn't ask Pikayou!
Green: Hey! Leave me to make all the good ideas! *Throws goggles, hits Red, gun misfires and hits Green* AAAGH!
*Cut to Cubone jumping up the stairs*
Cubone: *Nasal panting, throws a grenade behind him*
Mom: *Running and gasping, explodes*
*Red puts on the goggles, Marowak appears*
Red: *Gasp* I look stupid in these!
Cubone: *Running up* Moooom!
Marowak: *Heard clearly* Ahhh. My child. Have you armed the militia?
Cubone: I did exactly as you asked! They're waiting your orders!
Marowak: Burn them all.
*Cut to Red looking at them still wearing the goggles*
Cubone: Cubone! Cu, cu, cubone!
Marowak: Wak! Marowak!
Red: *Taking off goggles* Aww, he's wearing her face.
*Cut back to Cubone and Marowak*
Cubone: And we'll GRIND THEIR BONES INTO EDIBLE PASTE! *Cut back* Cubone! Cubone!
Red: I'm gonna catch him.
Marowak: *Starts floating off to heaven* Hmm? Oh, so much for that. I guess go be lame somewhere.
Cubone: Aww, okay. Praise be unto you! *Cut to behind* Cubooooone!
Marowak: I'm stuck on the ceiling!
*Camera zooms out to show Green*
Green: We all learned a valuable lesson today. Falling down the stairs is hard... unless you have friends. *Walks away, shot leg is squishing* Heh-heh-ow... Heh-heh-ow... Heh-heh-ow...
*Cut to Rocket Grunts*
Purple Grunt: ...Is the kink here?
Green Grunt: Yes, yes, get in there deep.
Blue Grunt: *Singing* But didn't we have a plaaan~?
Green Grunt: Hold on. Hold on- oh right, right. Prick took my goggles.
Red: *Tosses goggles back, confident* Here, have 'em back. Use them if you want; they won't help you see this coming! *Holds hand out and DBZ blasts them*
Green and Purple Grunts: AAAAAGH!
Blue Grunt: *Singing* AAAAAAH~!
*Screenwipe to Mom holding up Cubone, fire embers heard off to the right*
Mom: There~. You're never leaving the pen again.
Cubone: I'll wear your skull next.
Grandpa: *From a distance* Hello?
Mom: Dad! You're okay!
Grandpa: I just said I was a Ditto and shat myself. They wouldn't touch me! *Red walks up* Oh, another one?
Red: Yep, I'm your new grandson!
Grandpa: It's times like these that remind me of the meaning of life: outliving the dead.
Mom: Let's get everyone home and back in their pens! It's mustard and yeast day!
Grandpa: *Whispers* Ditto.
*Wipe back to the house, guy in the back is crushing Rattata*
Dan: Give them back! GIVE THEM BACK!
Rattata: *In pain* RAA! RAAA!
Red: So staying in Lavender Town has been fucking depressing.
Grandpa: Now that's what I call a reason for you to leave!
Red: Yeeeah! But I know what I want to do with my life now! I'm gonna be a Pokemon master!
Grandpa: Not just a trainer?
Red: I wanna rule them!
Grandpa: Hmm, follow me.
*Cut to Red sitting at a table*
Grandpa: I want you to have these. I think they'll help you on your journey. *Sets down box and flute*
Red: *Picks up flute* What are they?
Grandpa: Help! He's robbing me!
Red: Ah- what?! No I'm not!
Grandpa: Police! Thief!
*Wipe to Red on his bike, sirens blaring behind him as he's cycling away*
Red: *Narrating* And thus I stole another bike. But this time, I was truly happy. 'Cause now I knew where I was heading. I'm going to Pallet Town to meet Professor Oak and steal his Pokemon!
*Rides past Green in a tree*
Green: Hey, Red! Red! I saw some Green stuff in the tree! So I went up to look, and to my surprise it was leaves, not me! But now it's me! *Red keeps riding* Red! RED!! YOU ARE BENEATH ME!!! ...That's okay. DaVinci learned to fly in one day. I just need to evolve. Think about flying. Tweet tweet. Hoot. I must mate. *Slips* AGH! *Crash*
*Credits – Come and Catch Your Love*
Marowak: The strong will consume the weak!
Cubone: Leave the weak to rot in the sun, as a warning to all who oppose you- *cut to Red* Cubone! Cubone! Cubone!
Marowak: Marowak! Wak! Wak! Marowak!
Red: Get in. Get in. Get in!