How I Caught Your Mother (script)

How I Caught Your Mother - Episode 1
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The following is unedited from the original document except for formatting. Lines may have been rewritten during recording and/or editing.

Script

Red: *Opening Narration* I was 10 years old. On my birthday, my father gave me his old fishing rod. He said, *textbox* “Try and catch me, son!” and jumped into the ocean. I never saw him again.

Old man: Ho-ho! Have a good day, thief!

Red: I stole a man's bike in my grief. I rode for hours, trying to clear my mind. Right into a train.

*MRRRREOW, Cut to Nurse Joy standing politely*

Red: And that's why you should give me these Pokemon.

Nurse: ...Uh-huh.

Red: Come ahhhhhn.

Nurse: Eh, fine, couldn't heal them anyway. *Walks away*

Red: *Thinking* Heh-heh sucker.

*Red enters a random house*

Red: Hey, nice place. *Girl appears* Or it was. Hey, someone's robbing your house. Get out.

Mom: *Looking around awkwardly* Um, actually, I stole this house first.

Red: Like I said. Hurry before she kills you.

Mom: Well, I was, *whispy* but then I raised a family. *Leads Red into the back* That's Mary. No one knows what she looks like.

*Person sweeping, trying to shoo out Growlithe*

Unknown Growlithe Hater: Get out. GET OUT!

Mom: I don't know who that is. *Guy brushing a Vulpix* That's Jim, his Vulpix is dead, but don't say it out loud.

Red: Living a lie, Jim!

Jim: Alright!

*Guy training Rattata*

Mom: That's Dan, his Rattata ate his kids. *Slow creepy turn, quieter voice* And I am all their mothers now.

Red: *Awkward pause* Count me in! Name's Red, Professional Orphan.

Mom: Great! You saw our flier! Your pen is in the back, feeding time is when I feel like it.

Red: No bed time?! This is awesome! Huh? *Sees Cubone* Mo-om! There's a dead thing in my room! I don't wanna clean it.

Mom: Meet your brother, Spurdu! You're gonna have to share with him for now.

Red: I share the air with the world. Isn't that enough?!

Mom: Be nice to him, Red. Some poachers killed his mom volume 1. There weren't any witnesses, but I know what happened.

*Flashback, Blue Rocket Grunt points dramatically*

Blue Grunt: Stop THEEEEEEEEEM-uh!

Cubone: *Gasping for air as he runs pathetically*

Green Grunt: *Gasping for air* Agh! He's-! Too fast!

*Marowak slams into them from the side*

Green and Purple Grunts: AGH!

Marowak: *Muffled, inaudible talking*

Cubone: ...What?

Marowak: *Angrier muffled, inaudible talking*

Cubone: Uhhhhh, okay. *Runs away*

Green Grunt: Hey, is that a grass Voltorb? *Explosion* AAAAAGH!

Cubone: Huh? Oh no.

Mom: *Narrates as Cubone stands immobile* Spurdu waited for the rest of him to turn into bones. Until your grandfather got loose and then very confused.

Grandpa: *Bends down to Cubone* I do this every evening. I go out in the yard and hug whatever I find. Last night it was a bike. If there's nothing here I'll just hug myself.

*Fade back into Red's determined face*

Red: You're Spurdoomed...

*Cubone looks surprised, cut to everyone in the lobby, Mom points at Red*

Mom: Bang.

Red: *Chuckling* I guess I'm dead!

Mom: Off to the graveyard! And while you're there, can you find your grandfather?

Grandpa: *Walking towards tower* I found a new place to hug.

Brother: *In Red's ear* You gotta stop Grandpa.

Red: Wugh!

Sister: There have been rumors... A group of bandits have been disturbing the grave site... The spirits are angry!

*Cut to man walking up stairs with bouquet*

Green grunt: Hold it right there, old man! This tower is now under the control of Team Rocket. No boys allowed!

Widower: Vanessa?! You're back! And you're prettier than before!

Green Grunt: Too little too late! *Shoves guy down the stairs*

Widower: AGH! Oof-urgh-guh-agh! *Walks back up to them unharmed* When did you get your arms back? *Shove* AGH! Oof-urgh-guh-agh! *Walks back up* This is only making me stronger!

*Cuts back to house*

Mom: *Nonchalant* Oh, that's just how they make Ghastlys.

Sister: Red Brother, please be careful. I too went up the tower to-

Mom: No! We're done remembering! Red will go up to the tower, find Grandpa, and bring him back. Is that all clear?

Red: *Super dramatically* Pizza. *Pizza slowly slithers out of his mouth and splats on the ground.*

Brother: ...He's got this.

*Shot of Green peering in*

Green: Hmm... If I can die before he gets there, I can haunt him as a Ghastly! Blue, you think of everything!

*Cut to outside shot of the tower*

Red: *Calling out* Hello? If there are any ghosts, I hope you're annoyed! 'Cause I'm comin' for ya! *Woman appears* AH! *Sigh of relief* Ah, Grandpa, so glad I found you.

Tower woman: *Singing* V is for vampire, B is for butt. Gimme your money, I'll give you a hot dog. *Turns, eyes slowly shrink, camera zooms into the corner* Upstaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaairs.

*Cut to Green walking into a room*

Green: That Red thinks he's so smart. When I outbrains him, I'll be Blue! *Sees stairs* Ha! I found you, stairs! Time to get to work! Heheh!

*Cut to Team Rocket polishing their balls*

Blue Grunt: *Still singing* Frieeends~! Did you ever think what our lives would be like if our careers had taken a different tuuuuurn~?

Purple Grunt: *Irritated sigh*

Green Grunt: Keep it in, Sam. He only wants to get a rise out of yo-

Blue Grunt: WELL I HAAAAAVE~!

Purple Grunt: *Fast and furious* YOU KNOW MY PARENTS WERE KILLED AT THE OPERA, YOU FUCK!

Blue Grunt: Meowth! That's riiiiight~!

Green Grunt: Cool it you guys. With these goggles, you might be able to see their ghosts tonight. *Pause* You look good down there.

Purple Grunt: I don't know, man! Someone told me I'm scared of ghosts.

Green Grunt: That was you, you idiot.

Purple Grunt: Then I'm liable to believe them.

*Cut to Red approaching stairs as Green goes running down them*

Green: I FORGOT HOW TO FALL AAAAAAAAAGH- *Red catches him* Oof... Aww! My one shot, ruined.

Red: Green?! Why are you still following me?!

Green: *Pathetic* Psychic doesn't work on ghosts, so you couldn't read my miiind...

Red: You can let go of me, Green.

Green: *Whispers* Gotta catch 'em all... *Raspberries in Red's face, gets scared as Marowak's ghost appears* AGH!

Marowak: *More muffled screaming*

Red: What the hell is tha-

Green: *Smacks Red in the face* It has a name!

Red: *Offended* What is your problem?! *Takes out a pokeball* Eh, hope there's a gun Pokemon in here.

Green: *Power walking away up the stairs* Yeah, maybe it's a Tangela, loser! I'm outta here!

*Cut to Cubone trying to break out of its pen*

Mom: No, no! Stupid, you use your hands to open doors, like this. *Cubone slams past her* Ah!

Cubone: We're not gonna take it!

*Cut back to Red, with a gun photoshopped into his hand*

Red: Hey, there was a gun in here! *Fires gun, Marowak reforms, Menacing* That was just a warning. I meant to shoot that Pikablu.

Marowak: *Muffled and angry* It's not real!

Red: I didn't ask Pikayou!

Green: Hey! Leave me to make all the good ideas! *Throws goggles, hits Red, gun misfires and hits Green* AAAGH!

Red: AAAGH!

*Cut to Cubone jumping up the stairs*

Cubone: *Nasal panting, throws a grenade behind him*

Mom: *Running and gasping, explodes*

*Red puts on the goggles, Marowak appears*

Red: *Gasp* I look stupid in these!

Cubone: *Running up* Moooom!

Marowak: *Heard clearly* Ahhh. My child. Have you armed the militia?

Cubone: I did exactly as you asked! They're waiting your orders!

Marowak: Burn them all.

*Cut to Red looking at them still wearing the goggles*

Cubone: Cubone! Cu, cu, cubone!

Marowak: Wak! Marowak!

Red: *Taking off goggles* Aww, he's wearing her face.

*Cut back to Cubone and Marowak*

Cubone: And we'll GRIND THEIR BONES INTO EDIBLE PASTE! *Cut back* Cubone! Cubone!

Red: I'm gonna catch him.

Marowak: *Starts floating off to heaven* Hmm? Oh, so much for that. I guess go be lame somewhere.

Cubone: Aww, okay. Praise be unto you! *Cut to behind* Cubooooone!

Marowak: I'm stuck on the ceiling!

*Camera zooms out to show Green*

Green: We all learned a valuable lesson today. Falling down the stairs is hard... unless you have friends. *Walks away, shot leg is squishing* Heh-heh-ow... Heh-heh-ow... Heh-heh-ow...

*Cut to Rocket Grunts*

Purple Grunt: ...Is the kink here?

Green Grunt: Yes, yes, get in there deep.

Blue Grunt: *Singing* But didn't we have a plaaan~?

Green Grunt: Hold on. Hold on- oh right, right. Prick took my goggles.

Red: *Tosses goggles back, confident* Here, have 'em back. Use them if you want; they won't help you see this coming! *Holds hand out and DBZ blasts them*

Green and Purple Grunts: AAAAAGH!

Blue Grunt: *Singing* AAAAAAH~!

*Screenwipe to Mom holding up Cubone, fire embers heard off to the right*

Mom: There~. You're never leaving the pen again.

Cubone: I'll wear your skull next.

Grandpa: *From a distance* Hello?

Mom: Dad! You're okay!

Grandpa: I just said I was a Ditto and shat myself. They wouldn't touch me! *Red walks up* Oh, another one?

Red: Yep, I'm your new grandson!

Grandpa: It's times like these that remind me of the meaning of life: outliving the dead.

Mom: Let's get everyone home and back in their pens! It's mustard and yeast day!

Grandpa: *Whispers* Ditto.

*Wipe back to the house, guy in the back is crushing Rattata*

Dan: Give them back! GIVE THEM BACK!

Rattata: *In pain* RAA! RAAA!

Red: So staying in Lavender Town has been fucking depressing.

Grandpa: Now that's what I call a reason for you to leave!

Red: Yeeeah! But I know what I want to do with my life now! I'm gonna be a Pokemon master!

Grandpa: Not just a trainer?

Red: I wanna rule them!

Grandpa: Hmm, follow me.

*Cut to Red sitting at a table*

Grandpa: I want you to have these. I think they'll help you on your journey. *Sets down box and flute*

Red: *Picks up flute* What are they?

Grandpa: Help! He's robbing me!

Red: Ah- what?! No I'm not!

Grandpa: Police! Thief!

*Wipe to Red on his bike, sirens blaring behind him as he's cycling away*

Red: *Narrating* And thus I stole another bike. But this time, I was truly happy. 'Cause now I knew where I was heading. I'm going to Pallet Town to meet Professor Oak and steal his Pokemon!

*Rides past Green in a tree*

Green: Hey, Red! Red! I saw some Green stuff in the tree! So I went up to look, and to my surprise it was leaves, not me! But now it's me! *Red keeps riding* Red! RED!! YOU ARE BENEATH ME!!! ...That's okay. DaVinci learned to fly in one day. I just need to evolve. Think about flying. Tweet tweet. Hoot. I must mate. *Slips* AGH! *Crash*

*Credits – Come and Catch Your Love*

*Post-credits*

Marowak: The strong will consume the weak!

Cubone: Leave the weak to rot in the sun, as a warning to all who oppose you- *cut to Red* Cubone! Cubone! Cubone!

Marowak: Marowak! Wak! Wak! Marowak!

Red: Get in. Get in. Get in!