Best Wishes Abridged

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Best Wishes Abridged

The following is unedited from the original document except for formatting. Lines may have been rewritten during recording and/or editing.


Ash: I’m Ash Ketchum. Again. I’m on my way to another region, AGAIN, to lose another Pokemon championship, AGAIN, on my quest to become the most unlikely Pokemon master ever!

Pikachu: *Happy* Again! Try not to forget everything, AGAIN, will you?

Delia: *Sweetly* Ash, hurry up! Professor Oak is going to be- what the fuck…

Ash: You like my new contacts, Mom?

Delia: *Deadpan* …I’m not paying for those.

*Cuts to outside of house*

Ash: I’ll show you how effective they are! *Geek laugh*

*Screen shakes as crashing is heard*

Oak: Do I look douchebaggy enough in this?

Delia: Yes.

Oak: Great! Let’s go. *Shakes fist* ONE DAY, ASH KETCHUM! ONE DAY!

Ash: I haven’t done anything!

Oak: For future reference!

*Cuts to Team Rocket’s hideout*

Giovanni: Go to the Isshu region and DON’T SUCK.

Jessie and James: Okay.

Meowth: *Deadpan* Meow.

Ash: Holy fuck; a window!

Pikachu: I haven’t seen that in years!

*Camera pans to Team Rocket*

James: *Whispering* Ok, guys. We have to be really quiet. *Raises finger* Cause we’re on a plane!

Ash: I can’t wait ‘til we get to the Isshu region! *Turns* WOW ANOTHER WINDOW!

*Plane flight towards the dock, hits water, fade out and fade back in as Ash jumps out*

Ash: Aw yeah! I can’t wait to see how this journey falls apart!

Pikachu: And how!

*Holds pose for three seconds*

Ash: Yeah! Okay let’s go.

Pikachu: I sense electricity in the air…

*Runs back down dock*

Pikachu: Is this love?! *Fish jumps out of water* Oh, it’s just a fish.

Ash: I sense an electric-type legendary Pokemon!

*Runs down dock*

Pikachu: *Shouting* Well, that’s oddly specific!

Ash: Did you see it?! Did you see it?! It went under the water!

Pikachu: Uh, we got a problem.

Ash: Hmm?

*Lightning storm moves in*

Ash: Those trees are fucked.

*Pikachu gets captured*

Ash: Ah! Hey!

*Zooms in to Team Rocket*

Jessie and James: *Sing-song* Guess who?

Ash: Um! Um! Does he have a big nose!

Jessie: *Quietly* Um…what…?

James: Uh…yeah I guess…

Jessie: *Out loud* Uh- yes.

Ash: Is it Charmander?

*Charmander pops in*

Charmander: HOW DID YOU KNOW?!

*Camera panning to electrical storm*

Pikachu: Yeah, you know that fall-apart thing you mentioned? Well it’s going downhill real fast.

Delia and Oak: Synchronized “Huh?!”

*Lightning and electricity*

Zekrom: *Epic deadpan* AH…AH…ACHOO.

*Lightning explosion*


Ash: Um…no.


*Zekrom blasts them, clouds immediately clear up*

Ash: *Yelling from on the ground* Who buys Skittles anymore?! *Groans as he sits up*

Oh! Pikachu! Are you ok?

Pikachu: *Weak* Heh. Can I call ‘em or can I call ‘em.

Delia: Ash, honey! Are you ok?!

Ash: Me and Pikachu are fine! Right, Pikachu?

*Pause, Pikachu’s face slides, then falls off*

Ash: Yeah!

Professor Araragi: *Off-screen* Excuse me…

*Screen pans up Araragi*

Araragi: No face-dumping on the premises, please.

*Pikachu’s face is on the ground in front of Ash*

Oak: Ash, this is Professor Araragi, who just so happens to be the first professor…to wear sneakers!

Ash and Delia: Oooh!

Pikachu: Oooh, sneakers!

*Driving to Araragi’s place, screen pans across entrance, Pikachu is hooked up to machine*

Pikachu: *Sad* I’m not a lab rat…

*Heart meter in background*

Araragi: Well Ash, it seems that legendary Pokemon has drained your Pikachu of electricity. Thankfully it’s so massively overpowered that it shouldn’t have trouble fighting anything. Ever.
In fact, let me see if I can pull up its win/lose ratio.

*Heart meter beeping is louder*

Ash: Man, Pikachu, we need to train a bit more.

*Heart meter flatlines*

Ash: Damn! I’m good!

Assistant: Professor! Shooter is here. He’s ready for his starter Pokemon.

Ash: I bet twenty bucks I’m going to lose to him!

Shooter: This is going in my ceiling scrapbook.

*Araragi and Ash walk in*

Shooter: *Slyly* Well hey, Professor. If you were a photo, I’d frame you first.

Araragi: *Quickly* Hee-hee, that’s cute.

Araragi: Oh! I’d like you to meet your new failure of a rival: Ash!

Ash: Four-time failure, motherfucker!

Shooter: *Low* Congratulations.

Araragi: Heh. Now before we need to get a room for you two, let’s get you a starter Pokemon. First: Tsutaja!

Tsutaja: Vote for me! *Kazoo playing campaign music*

Araragi: Second: Mijumaru!

Mijumaru: Yay!

Ash: *Loud crack* Wow, this one’s cute! I want him to just follow me around all day.

Mijumaru: Haha, don’t get your hopes up.

Araragi: *Quickly* And the third one. So! Take your pick, Shooter.

Ash: What about the fire pig?

Araragi: *Pupils dilate, threatening* What… about… the fire pig?

Ash: Well, what’s its name? What does it do?

Araragi: CHOOSE!

Shooter: Hmm. *Clicks camera*

*Clicks camera to beat*

Araragi: PICK ONE!

Shooter: I’ma go with the snake!

Tsutaja: He went with the snake!


Fuyuki: *Crazy* HE WENT WITH THE SNAKE?!!

1Kids’ and WGS’ Ash: HE WENT WITH THE SNAKE?!!

Araragi: Here, Shooter, since we lost all of the Pokedexes, here’s a beeper instead. We’ve modified it to act like a Pokedex, but all it will do is tell you which Pokemon you don’t have.

*Pokedex starts up*

Pokedex: *Quickly* Bulbasaur, Ivysaur, Venusaur, Charmander Charmander charmander charmander charmander Squirtle- *explodes*

Ash: Oh, you shoulda caught ‘em faster.

*Ash leaves the building*

Ash: Hey, Shooter! Wanna make twenty bucks?

Shooter: What’s the catch?

Ash: You have to beat me and my over-leveled, overpowered Pikachu!

Pikachu *Calling quickly from inside the building* Hey Ash, I got my electricity ba- *Hits a wall, runs out* Never mind! I lost it again!

Ash: Haha, Pikachu, perfect timing!

Shooter: Deal.

*Cuts to them and the Pokemon standing. Shooter takes more pictures*

Shooter: This is going in my Staring Contest album for when I’m bored.

Ash: Don’t fuck it up!

Pikachu: *Upbeat* I won’t- SHIIIIIIIIIT!!!

Mijumaru: Nurrrrrrrrrrr…

*Dust settles, Ash runs up to Pikachu*

Ash: Okay fuck, I don’t have the money. Ruuuuuun!

Shooter: Looks like he just ran out of film, OH… SNAP.

Mijumaru: …Okay, I’m glad you’re not my trainer.

Ash: Professor, what’s wrong with my Pikachu that isn’t my fault as a shitty trainer?

Araragi: Well, it appears it has lost its electricity again, due to damage to its cheeks *Fades out* When a problem comes along, you must whip it. Before the cream sits out too long, you must whip it. When something’s going wrong, you must whip it. Now whip it into shape, shape it up, get straight. Go forward, move ahead, try to detect it. It’s not too late, to whip it, whip it good.

Ash: *Singing “Beat the Clock”* Well I was born a little premature, Gotta beat the clock, ya gotta beat the clock! Mom just couldn’t take no more. Gotta beat the clock, ya gotta beat the clock. Looked through a telescope at the sky, saw the sun and burned my eye, ai yai yai yai ya-ya-yai. Gotta beat the clock, ya gotta beat the clock.

Araragi: Are you listening Ash?

Ash: Not a word.

Araragi: *Eyes shrink* I didn’t go through six years of college to be ignored by the one the spermicide forgot to kill!

Oak: *Nervous* She was just saying that Pikachu’s electricity can be restored if we just jolt him with some.

Ash: Okay Professor Oak. I’ll actually listen to you ‘cause you have brown shoes.

*Computer screen starts distorting, storm flies overhead*


Ash: No.

Zekrom: …ARE YOU SURE?

Ash: Yes. I’m sure.


Ash: When are you leaving?


*Shocks Pikachu again*

Ash: Wait, my brain is working! AAAAAAGH!!

Pikachu: AAAAAAAGH!!!

*Storm clears, Electricity turns back on, Ash sits up*

Delia: Honey, are you okay?

Mijumaru: Quick! While he’s delirious! Your name is Ash Ketchum, you’re a Pokemon trainer, and you’re going to pick me NOW NOW NOW!

Ash: Oh! Pikachu! Did it work?

Pikachu: *Very cheery* Maybe!

Ash: Try using a Thunderbolt on me!

Pikachu: Been wanting to since the BATTLE! *Thunderbolt*

Ash: Awesome! Now do a Volt Tackle! Just be sure to do it softl-GUGHOOHOO!

Delia: Ash! Are you retarded?!

Ash: Heeeeh… You hear that, Pikachu? Mom is proud of me- *BZZZ* me- *BZZZ* me- *BZZZ* pussydonkeywall! Ugh… *faints*

Ash: Mom? Professor Oak? I know this is gonna surprise you, but I want to explore this new region that we came here for me to explore!

Delia and Oak: Huh?!

*Biscuit falls out of Oak’s hand*

Oak: You make me proud, son.

Ash: *Offended, almost crying* Don’t joke about my dad!

*Cut to Araragi’s lab*

Araragi: *Cheery* Here you go, Ash. 5 Pokeballs to get you started, and a Pokedex made by people who know what they’re doing! Be sure you don’t waste all of the balls before you’ve even caught your first Pokemon!

Ash: Don’t worry! I’ll just waste three of them.

Araragi: Atta boy!

Delia: Remember; don’t talk to strangers unless it’s absolutely necessary.

Ash: I think we’ll be fine, then.

Araragi: Well, if you’re all set, you can LEAVE.

Ash: Alright! I’m off!

Delia: Looks my boy’s off to grow up on his own. Again.

Oak: And it looks like I’m about to… piss my pants.

Araragi: *Chuckling* Professor, leave the puns to Shoot- *Deadpan* okay what the fuck.

*Ash is running*

Ash: *Singing* Running, running, running. I love me some sneakers.

Pikachu: Hey Ash! Look over there!

Ash: Oh! I wonder what Pokemon it is…

*Opens Pokedex*

Pokedex: I’m just going to say this once. It’s not a Pokemon. It’s a bush.

*Ash opens mouth*

Pokedex: The berries don’t count either.

*Does the unimpressed face*

Ash: Well, whatever. Pokeball, go!

*Throws ball. Whack*

Iris: Ow!

Ash: Aw, it didn’t work? Maybe you need another!


Iris: *Louder* OW!

Ash: Lemme try it with a little more “oomph”.

*Iris pops out of bush*


*Slides in*

Iris: WHAT do you think you’re doing?!


*Hits her in the face with a Pokeball*

Pikachu: *Mumbling angrily with arms folded* I got 99 problems, and one of ‘em is Ash.

Ash: So, Iris, I guess this means you’re going to follow me around for this next region?

Iris: Yeah, how’d you guess?

Ash: You’re the first female trainer I’ve met.

Iris: Do they tend to follow you around?

Ash: I’m kind of a slut.

*Goes in his face, his eyes shrink*


Pikachu: *Points* Stranger danger!

Shikijika: That’s right! Run from me!!!

Ash: It’s the Pokemon we saw in the scene that was cut out!

Iris: Wait! You don’t know what you’re doing!

*Screen pans up to cave entrance*

Giovanni: Did you get your asses kicked yet?

Jessie, James: Noooo.

Giovanni: Tell the truuuth.

Jessie, James: Yeeees.

Giovanni: Thought so. Sakaki, pay up.

Secretary: Goddamnit, Boss.

Giovanni: So, are you at least aware of what you’re supposed to be doing?

Jessie: Yessir. We will capture the Pikachu-

Giovanni: *snickers* Pikachu…

Jessie: …and send it to headquarters. We also wish to capture this new Pokemon the locals call “legendary”.

Giovanni: “Legendary”? Who the hell was in charge of naming that?

James: As such, we request that the Pokemon we left at headquarters be sent to us immediately.

Giovanni: Hmm… NAH.

James: God, he’s such a dick!

Giovanni: I’m still here, you idiot.

James: …Oh yeah, well you’re still here too!

Giovanni: What- Oh shit!

*Turns off*

Giovanni: … What just happened?

*Cuts to Shikijika at pond*

Ash: I’m gonna think out loud as I catch these Pokemon!

*Opens Pokedex*

Pokedex: Chikachikaaah… It’s a deer. Go for it.

Ash: Well I’m gonna catch one!

Shikijika: Retreat!

Ash: Oh, come on!

Minezumi: Perimeter defenses activated.

*Spin Ash around*

Ash: *Dazed* Because it’s thriller! … thriller day! Ugh… *Crash*

*Next day*

Ash: I wonder where Iris went- PIGEON!!!

Pokedex: Mamepato, the pigeon Pokemon. Try to fight it and it will hand your ass to you, but shoot it with a BB and it will die.

*Runs up to one on the ground*

Ash: Go get him, Pikachu!

Pikachu: Suck my thundershock, ya… JERK.

Mamepato: Whoa, buddy! Watch the fuckin’ langua-AAAAAAAAAH!

Ash: I hope this actually WORKS! *Throws ball, clicks three times, Ash keeps staring*

*Iris appears*

Iris: Hey, what have you been up to?

Ash: I caught a BIRD.

Iris: Cool! I caught Chlamydia!

Kibago: Let’s share!

Pikachu: Oh boy!

Ash: Wait, aren’t you my age?

Iris: *Cheery* Yeah, how old are you again?

Ash: Good point.

*Arms grab Pikachu and Kibago, shows Team Rocket*

Pikachu and Kibago: Aah!

Ash: Cock blockers!

Iris: Who the hell are they?

Ash: It’s Team Rokketto, neeeeeee!

*Stick Figure-James is on James’ face*

James: Looks like we just captured your Pokemon.

Ash: WHOA.

*Put Pikachu and Kibago in box*

Jessie: And we have put them… in a box! *Does “Up Yours” sign*

Iris: No way! In a box!

Tsutaja: *Leans head in from side* You’re screwed!

Ash: Go Devin!

*Materializes; heroic music; immediately hits ground*

Ash: Oh no, Devin!

*Picks Devin up*

Devin: *Weak* Are you proud of me… master…?

Ash: *Intense* You fought bravely…

James: *Behind them* Well, time to make our escape!

*Team Rocket is in a balloon*

Ash: Oh, they’re in a fucking balloon, now!

Jessie: *Fail pun* Looks like somebody just got served…

Jessie and James: Pizza!

*Balloon flies off*

Ash: Quick! After them!

*Iris jumps up tree, Ash climbs up tree very fast, immediately falls to the ground*

Mijumaru: Miju to the rescue! SUCK MY SHELL, YA JERK!!!

*Shell pops balloon, loud deflation*

Jessie and James: WHoOoOoOAH!

*Box lands and breaks; Team Rocket lands*

Jessie: Looks like Team Rocket just got blown!

*Cut to Pokemon Center*

Nurse Joy: I’m your new Nurse Joy. I’m slightly strange-looking. And these are your Pokemon. They’re slightly inebriated!

Pikachu, Kibago, Mamepato: *Singing* Driiive byyys are bad!

Pikachu: Aaaaagh…

*They jump into Ash’ and Iris’ arms*

Iris: Haha, good boy!

Ash: What say we go on another disappointing adventure, guys? Assuming I didn’t forget something…

*Slides out of the way*



Tsutaja: *Deep, evil voice* VOTE FOR ME. *Deep, angry kazoo*

Shooter: You know I’m leaning more towards the fire pig, now.

Mijumaru: What THE FUCK?!!

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